2012

Happy New Year!

Falling short

I really dislike feeling not good enough.

Smart. Never brilliant. 

Pretty. Never beautiful.

I don't think it is a feeling anyone is particularly fond of. Maybe I'm the only one but I get these feelings far more often around this time. The New Year, when everyone is looking to change for the better. Setting up resolutions and such. Looking back this year has been such a roller coaster. Some of the highest highs I've ever hit and also some of the lowest lows. Corkscrewing and plunging until I'm completely sick.

Starting off 2011 I was determined to make it my best year yet. I assume we all feel that way, starting off with optimism. I hit the ground running so to speak. Chin up, shoulders back, waking up with a smile, excited for the day. That lasted about three weeks. Ha.

Then that first blow hit, something that just shook me up. A betray of trust from someone I trusted my whole heart to. I realized too late the feeling wasn't mutual. That little castle of cards I talked about in an earlier post? Yeah that came crashing down faster then I could have done it myself. It was a hit that came completely out of the blue, something that I guess everyone but me could see. And I honestly didn't. I was completely blind to what was coming and didn't have a chance to try to shield myself. Then me, being me, scrambled to catch the cards before they hit down into reality, not wanting to let go of something that had been my rock for two years before. Frantically placing back in the spots I remembered them being, granted they were placed a little askew, tilting and swaying every which way, but it was something I could hold on to, something I should have let fall then but refused to. Even still that part of my castle is still a little crooked, those cards never quite finding their footing again. 

But nevertheless I picked myself up again and dusted myself off and kept moving forward. Things got better, things were looking good so of course thats when the next one hit. Something that may sound small to someone else but to me it was more then enough pain to go through. A wrinkle into a dream I thought would stay untouched. A change in a story I had already wrote my ending to. Another surprise. Nothing I could change, not another house of cards I could pick up and try to replace. I tried to strain my eternal optimism over this, cover it up and see some good but I couldn't help but to think, 'why is this happening to me, why is this happening to him?'

There were more ups and downs as the summer started, some that would take me just high enough to see over the bad before plunging back down. I had friends to lean on this time, one in particular that practically carried me through points.  One that helped me keep my sanity. One that would do the talking for me so I could just listen. A guy who didn't make me work for every little bit, who knew when I needed a rest, and also just how far I could push myself.

Then out of everyone and everything there was one who never let me down, not once. One I could always talk to, one I could always trust, one that loved me as much as I loved him without a doubt. Someone who I know is going to sounds silly to all of those that don't understand.

Patriot VF, my horse. The only one I trust with my whole heart anymore. He is so much more then a horse to me. He is someone who never stops trying, he is my eternal optimist when mine is running low. Someone who trusts me as much as I trust him. Who makes everyday worth waking up for no matter what it brings. He makes every day worth living. This summer with its ups and downs was leveled out a little by him. I knew I could rest with him, I knew he wouldn't judge me when I wasn't feeling strong, when I just needed someone to be there while I broke down.

The fall was a lot of the same, ups and downs, school starting and of course the stress that comes with that. The regret two months in of taking on so much at once but not wanting anyone to think I was weak and pushing though it anyway. Again and again getting knocked down right as I stood up and standing up again.

Then he left, to write another chapter of his life, and left me here to fend for myself. The one who had become my sanity, not just someone to lean on. That was a hard blow. His letters keep me going now. But I think he times them, he knows how far to push me still, making me wait and wait until I figure things out myself, holding his words just out of reach because he knows I can do it myself. He knows me too well, sometimes I think better then I know myself.

Winter again, rounding around to the new year, looking back at everything that has happened, I can't help but feel like I fell short of what I set out to do. Took the jump half a stride too soon and clipped the pole with my toes sending them tumbling down. It is infuriating.

 Once again I did good, but not good enough.

Good. Never great.

Again I'll push myself this next year, set my sights higher then the last, try to prove to myself I can do the impossible. Convince myself I wont fall short. Thats what its about right, obtaining the great. No one ever gets remembered for being good. 

Today

Today I will forget,

The sorrows of before.

I'll be one day stronger,

as I walk out my door. 

Today I'll break the chains,

That have scarred my tired wrists.

To defeat the monster deep inside,

and quiet it's insists. 

Today I will stand taller,

I'll trust myself to know.

For if I fall I'll stand again,

And my strength will only grow. 

Today I will have courage,

To face another day.

Surrounded by others,

Who have much the same to say. 

Today I will have faith,

which really is just to hope.

I'll climb the mountain of challenge,

and conquer its steep slope. 

Today I'll speak words of truth,

"Get thee hence, deceive me not."

I'll proclaim, the same as Moses,

"Get behind me Satan, I am stronger then you thought."

Merry Christmas

Things have not felt like Christmas here this season. Things have been off. Not so cheery. 

Nothing has really been different, well I guess I can't say that. A lot of things have changed, are changing. It's made everything different. Things I've never imagined to happened have in such a short amount of time. Things I haven't brought up to anyone but a few and never the whole story. It's like if I say it out loud its finally true and I have to except everything the way it is now. It's messing with my Christmas.

Christmas has never been like the end all be all holiday for me. Not even when I was younger. The toys and things weren't that important to me, and at the time being with family was nothing different then any other day. What Christmas is, what it represents was something I was taught all year round, again nothing remarkably special or different. We had our traditions and carried on the same things every year. 

Now things are different. For the last three years things have been changing. Three of my brothers are married with kids, and the youngest has moved out and has a life of his own. I am home. Alone. Its weird. Traditions have been swiped under the mat, whole parts of the holiday left out. Things don't feel like Christmas for me. It seems like I'm just that last loose end that hangs from the end of a sweater. Just the one left at home while everyone else does their own new things. I want things to go back to the old ways.

I miss it. 


I'm desperate for something steady and unchanging while everything else around me does. 

Noah

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” 

 Marry me Noah. 

I've obviously been down in the dumps way to long. As of this second I am finishing reading The Notebook for the third time in two weeks. I am in love with this book.  Yes, I will admit that I fall head over heals in love with Noah every time I pick it up, the book Noah let that be clear, not the movie Noah, which honestly I see as two completely different people. 

I get so wrapped up in Noah's emotion in the book, his obvious and complete love for Allie. Even after everything they went through even after he was completely rejected by Allie's parents he still kept fighting for her. Waiting for her when they took her away. He loved her through all of it. It's admiral. Crazy, but admiral. And that's why I really think I love the character. He is so raw, he shows everything he is feeling. Even the people around him can see how much he loves her without knowing anything. When he writes her everyday without one letter in return, when he makes true of his promise to her even after all those years by rebuilding that house, when even in desperation he shows Allie how much he loves her by saying it was going to be hard but he would make it work because he wanted her. When he continues to fight for her for the rest of their lives..

Ah. How fangirl is it for me to say that? I really couldn't think of a better, more sincere, just entirely real with flaws person, sure his temper isn't exactly my favorite but it's who he is and shows how passionate he is. Okay enough geeking out. 

I need some new reading material.

 Or an answer to my down in the dumps problem. 

Dear You,

I've found myself waiting again.

Obsessively checking the mail for your letter. Re-reading your last, as if I am searching a dry canteen for those last bits of life sustaining liquid. I'm craving your understanding words, your sanity, as I am quickly loosing mine. I've run my mind into a frenzy trying desperately to think of the words you would say to calm me. I need you here in my life more then ever right now, things have turned into a real mess real fast and I can't seem to sort out even my own thoughts at this point.

 My mind has run away with me, complete insanity setting in. I'm on the brink of losing it I'm sure, I know this must be what it feels like. I'm on the edge of that cliff again, just waiting for that last push to send me spiraling off into the abyss of chaos. I'm right where you told me to never go again, on my toes with my arms spread wide just taking it all into the chest. Wave after wave smashing into me while I wait to tip,  falling so far down to a place where I can't climb out of, where the light is non existent. There is so much I dare not tell anyone. Anyone but you. If you were here. So much more than what they can see, so much that I keep behind closed doors. So much I drown out with this well practiced smile. 

This isn't me. This depressing person that is too frequently around as of late. I know you would tell me that too. You would tell me I am being silly and coax the real me back away from the edge with your words spun like silk, pulling me back into your steady arms and hold me there until your voice soothed out my shaking body and pulled the corners of my lips up into a real smile. I need that. I need you. I need your logic to bring me back to reality again. 

I know you are needed elsewhere at the time, I know there are people you are with that need you much more then I. Still I miss you, it's okay to do that right? Well I do.

659 more days.

Still waiting,

Me

Who can say

I've spent my whole life being taught that my parents know exactly what life has in store for me. Every step, every decision already made. I've had that thrown at me from every direction. From things as large as what higher educational degree I will obtain, to whether or not I dye my hair.

Every thing has been planned out from the day I was born. 

When I step off the well laid path all hell breaks loose. 

One tiny step, one decision made for myself and its as if I've spit in their faces. 

I make one move that wasn't in the cards, a move for myself, and no matter the move I am wrong. They don't trust me, not because I've proven myself to make horrid decisions, but because they are stuck in their own world they've built for me, this second by second minute by minute walk through they've made for my life. 

Because they are concerned that if the let go of my hand I'll fall and get hurt. Thats what parents are supposed to do. Worry. And for all the fussing and over-exaggerated worrying my parents do they deserve an award. 

But I've decided something, life isn't about the things you are taught, life is about the things you learn. Sometimes it takes trying, messing up, falling and standing back up again to learn. To learn from your own mistakes or accomplishments. To look at something and be able to say I've done that and here I am now. For better or worse. Parents can teach anything but they are just preparing you for what is to come. There comes a time when they can't and shouldn't make all of the decisions for you. There comes a time where its okay to take a walk onto your own path, figure out what you really want in your life. A time that I think comes at different points in everyones life.

Who can say where you'll end up ten years from now? You can make plans, and work to make things happen, but no one can say what will actually happen.

 Things change, people change, your life changes.  

Chapters

Its kind of a weird realization when you begin to understand that you were just a chapter in someones life. Not the story. They've read you and now they are moving on. Its like those easily killed off characters that can be quickly replaced in the story that they had no long term purpose in, in the first place. Characters that hardly create emotions in the reader when their time is spent. Just gone. And the reader reads on. 

I don't like goodbyes, thats probably why I am still in the places I am, still friends with the same people, still reading the same chapter over and over again. I make myself crazy wondering what it would be like if I just walked out of someones life and continued reading on. It eats me up because I can't, I can't because then I'd make myself crazy wondering what it would be like if they were still in my life. People come in and out of my life while reading their own stories and move on without a second glance, not something unusual, just life. You pass people every day that become part of your story for a short second. Its when those characters get names and stories of their own that walking away becomes goodbye. 

Time to time I take moments to think about all those characters in my story, all those I've had to say goodbye to or ones that have left me with a disappointing cliff hanger to the end of my chapter that never gets resolved. Like I said, I make myself crazy thinking about those what if's, what happened, and where are they now's. 

Some chapters I never want to close. Some I read over and over, play back memories of times past. Chapters I pray never end. When they do I feel empty, lost even. Like a writer who has lost their vision. Their story is confusing, a jumbled mess of characters with no real direction. Then when you find it the story takes off again, like wild fire, burning through the chapter so fast you are scrambling to hold on some part of it.

In conclusion, 

I've been reading way too much.

Whats wrong with everyone else

Yesterday while walking down the hallway at the high school I was stopped mid stride by a young man who smiled and said hello then carried on his way. He does this every time I see him, every time we casually pass each other in the hallways he makes a point to let me know he noticed me. Now I know this boy, by saying that I mean I know his name and have gone to previous schoolings with him, but we are not friends, we don't chat continuously, or even at all save it those few seconds of 'Hello' and an occasional 'How are you?' any other time he may as well be a total stranger.  

He is a charming kid, genuinely nice, good looking, an amazing singer, I have yet to meet anyone who knows him that doesn't like him. He goes out of his way to make life better for everyone around him. With gestures even as small as a friendly hello. Its incredible and inspring. It makes a very outward appearance of inward content with life. With those couple of seconds a day I feel like I really know him, not in the I know his favorite color but I know what kind of a person he is.

He is a good person who loves people and loves life.

He is so good and has shown me such kindness just by letting me know that I am important to him, enough to say hello to that it gets me wondering. Why isn't everyone like him? Are people naturally vain, jealous, and evil and people like him are the exception? The ones who rise above simple animalistic like instincts of dragging others down so you can stand taller. I feel like I would be a sad person if I had to view the world as primarily evil and filthy. I like to think that we are good, kind people and are corrupted when we allow things like vanity and jealousy and just plain evil infect our minds. Now if thats the case and we know that then why do so many of us give in to selfish, self pleasing ways? When one small act of kindness sets off such a chain reaction.
Its like KLM.
Why stop the movement? Why not start it?

He just got me thinking and gave me more hope that there are good people out there. 

The bigger picture

There are 7 billion people on the earth.

I am one of those 7 billion.

One. 

Just one person with a blessed life.

I have so many things to be grateful for. So many things others go without. Sure I have my trials, everyone does, but for mine to weigh more importance then others is silly. We each have trials to over come. It took one person two thousand miles away to make me recognize that. 

"I can tell you one thing, I only feel worthless or unimportant or sad or repetitive or frustrated when I am focused on myself. And I am most happy when I lose myself in helping others out or just simply talking to others. Happiness is others, and happiness is a choice. So why are you choosing to be unhappy?"

--Bruce

"Selfishness is only self-destruction in slowmotion."

I am far too worried about myself and issues pertaining to me. Too concerned with the low parts of my life that it is becoming so much harder to see it for what it really is. It is time to look at the bigger picture, time to emerse myself in others. Spend my time doing something worth while. Leave footprints in the hearts of people I serve instead of being self absorbed. 

Hopefully things will take on a much more upbeat tune in my life these following weeks. It's something I will be working on. 

Dedication

I'm fiercely dedicated to equestrian riding. 

There is nothing I want more then to be recognized as a successful, nationally decorated rider. Its something I am willing to do anything to achieve. I've trained long hours and given up so much to reach the point in my career where I am now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I push myself and my physical body to extremes to reach the skill level I desire. I change and mold the way I think, move, and react in search of perfection. 

My trainer says my legs are weak, I can't walk straight for weeks because of lower body work outs. I lose focus on one pattern, I spend days memorizing pattern book after pattern book. My equitation coach makes a comment about how my chest is too large for the hunter look, I double sports bras and duct tape to press them down until I can hardly breathe. Other riders criticize my riding, I push myself to prove them wrong. My trainer says I need drop fifteen pounds, I put myself on a strict diet and work out regimen until they are gone. 

There is nothing I wouldn't give to be the best. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind a voice whispers, 'is this too much?'

I can't help but to reply 'No.'

This is my life. I am willing to put my all into it. Not just for the recognition but for me, it's who I am. While working towards achieving this feeling of perfect stature every dedicated equestrian has battled the same type and degree of hardships as other athletes, if not more. The stress and pain that is felt is real, and it is amplified to impossible proportions while under the pressure of parents, trainers, judges, other riders, and of course yourself. You are constantly being told that there is someone else better than you. 

Even the best riders will taste the bitterness of defeat, whether that be because of a swapped lead or the judges personal preference, no one is ever always on top. This ever constant change is an emotional roller-coaster as you battle your way up the ladder of success, only to be knocked back down because the judge doesn’t like chestnuts. We push ourselves physically, constantly coming home with aching muscles and deep saddle sores. We train our bodies to forget that our ankles can only bend so much and we push them down harder, to pretend that our legs aren’t shaking and force them to be still, to ignore the knots wound so tightly in our backs and continue sitting up, to fool the judges into thinking that what we are doing is easy for us, and to remain calm and composed before a class of the toughest competitors in the nation and do it all of this and more with a smile on our face.

Equestrian riding is a team sport. My team includes my partner Patriot VF, a pure bred Arabian Hunter Pleasure horse.  He is more than my horse, he is my teammate.  Being equestrian athletes is more than the personal physical boundaries that are pushed; sometimes the emotional barriers have been as real and difficult to overcome as the physical.  There is more than just my own thoughts, my own feelings and emotions thrown into the pressures of this sport. There are two minds at work, two hearts, two bodies pushing themselves to their limits and then beyond to meet and share a common goal. Along with the feelings of accomplishment, triumph, and joy that are mutually felt between horse and rider, defeat, disappointment and sorrow are at times the toughest competitors. The emotional toll they take is outstanding, yet their weight seems lighter when shared through the bonds of horse and rider.  These feelings are kindled into a burning desire, a fiery strength and fierce determination when spurred on by the deep connection between the two.

For years I have pushed myself to endure the physical and emotional pressures of this sport, still, I was never considered an “Athlete” by my peers, teachers, or even other sports coaches in high school. I tried valiantly to show them the intensity level of riding. I would continually hear the phrases that are so familiar to equestrian riders, the “I’ve ridden a horse before, its not that hard.” or “All you do is sit there, the horse does all the work” and countless others. They used to infuriate me until I understood their ignorance in what they were saying. To the untrained eye, the look of simplicity is apparent, just as a professional dancer moves with seemingly effortless grace, as does the strength of an equestrian and their mount. The strain and labor is meant to go unseen, the truly great athletes of any sport convey the impression of ease. Although in any other sport the need to collaborate with a 1200 plus pound animal and remain hidden behind the veil of leisure and passivity is non existent. The lucid athletic ability is obvious to the riders themselves, despite being perceived as undemanding and elementary to ignorant or misinformed critics.

The basic point of this post being, I love riding. I am completely dedicated to it. There is nothing else in this word I would work as hard to obtain. I've spent a few days thinking about it, with show season a couple months away I am being pushed harder to get in shape, lose weight, and other things, I have had 'non horsey' people tell me I was crazy and I was starting to think so too until I spent a night with an equally as dedicated friend and realized this is what I love.

Its worth it to me.

Dear Elder

Its funny how happy a letter can make me.

I almost cried after receiving the mail today. There laying on top was the first thing to make me really smile in days. A white letter, my name and address scribbled on the front, then in the far left corner a sticker reading,

 Elder Peck

North Carolina Raleigh Mission

Its the best thing that could have happened today. Its what I needed. 

Some words of advice from someone who really makes sense. Who really understands me. Someone who I can spill my heart out to and he sorts it all out and hands it back to me. Someone who I miss more then anything. 

The words on the papers inside are truly inspiring. They are more then I could have hoped for in the situation I've been stuck in the past few weeks. The seemingly endless circle of sadness seems a bit brighter now. I've got reason to hold my head up a little higher. A reason to be the real me. 

His words never cease to amaze me. Never fail to bring a smile to myself. He's one of only a handful of people I am proud to be myself around. I would follow Bruce anywhere. I crave his advice, his voice, his sanity, his pure love for people, me included, its like a drug, something I don't think I will ever learn to live without. Something I refuse to think about losing. 

He gives me a reason to be happy. 

He is the reason I am happy now. 

"Happiness is others, and happiness is a choice." 

--Bruce Peck

679 more days.

I'm not having fun

Last week I spent an evening with one of my best friends. 

I've missed him, our lives have been so busy its been near impossible to spend time with each other. He took me out to a play, well I should say I was dragged along to his last minute theater assignment, but it was so typical of him. We talked almost the whole play, luckily it was Beauty and the Beast so at the very least BS'ing it and the paper shouldn't be too hard. I think we covered just about every topic out there. One that we really got stuck on was the fact that you always hear adults say Highschool and their teenage years were the best years of their lives. It was troubling to both of us seing as we only have one more year of these really, and to this point neither of us could look back on the years and deem them as "fun". 

"Frustrating", "Demanding", "Disappointing", "Stressful" where more of the words that came to mind. We are both working jobs, yes jobs, plural. We are both doing extra schooling. And we are both passionate about our sports. We have no time for a social life, except for the spare chances like that night or when I get a couple hours to spend with special people. Those almost make things worse, those couple hours away from everything make it so much harder to come back to every day life.

Is this how it's supposed to be? Is being an adult just so completely terrible that this time is great by comparison? No, I think we are doing something wrong.

The need for change has been long coming. I've been far too stressed out to maintain a healthy level of sanity. This isn't how things should be. Time for a new game plan. Now if I could figure out what that should be...

Are we doing what we want? Yes, I want to do what I am doing. I am working to fund my sports and my life really in general, I want to take on that schooling to better my future, I love my sport and wouldn't put anything but my whole heart into it. So yeah, I am doing what I want. So why am I not happy? Why can't I say these are the best days of my life?

I need to figure that out. 

Pain of mind

Pain of mind is worse then pain of body.

Feeling trapped inside yourself for any number of reasons is both terrifying and painful. 

Feeling ruled by emotions or obsessions is a battle I gear up for every day. Familiar feelings bubbling up inside, sometimes I let them, welcome them, they are constant, something I know will always be the same, other times I fight them, try in vain to push them out. It doesn't do much good other then to cover them with a thin sheet, still there, still bubbling. Still stabbing at me. 

No one understands it, I don't even. It makes thing incredibly difficult for me. Trying to explain what is going on in my mind. One trigger sets me off. The need for release from the anxiety. The few that try to help only make it worse, either over dramatizing it and making me feel like some sort of freak show or not giving it any recognition. I don't think I'll ever have someone to go to that understands.

These habits and routines have the unbelievable power to destroy. 

The relationships I am losing, pushing away, because of this, the opportunities missed... I can no longer count them on my hands. The numbers dance around in my head. One, two, three, four... 

It rules everything around me.

Friends, Water, and Trees

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your hearts. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs, and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thin in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life.

Here lately I have been finding out who my real friends are, high school is like the battle ground of friendships. I don't think anyone really makes it out unscathed. You learn who will fight for you and who is more comfortable leaving you by the way side. Its rough. I don't particularly enjoy watching my old friends drift away as I scramble behind trying to pick up the pieces. It's odd. I feel distant. Even from my best friends, they've found other groups that they fit into, other people that they choose to spend their time with, they are both chasing girls now, going on dates every weekend, I guess I've lost my novelty now that they can talk to girls without shaking in their boots. I'm beginning to find that out inside jokes are becoming stale, our old memories foggy. It feels like I am trying to hold water in my hands, no matter how tightly I squeeze my fingers together it still manages to trickle out. 

Why do things have to grow apart?

I guess its like branches on a tree. For the tree to be successful it has to split its branches they grow farther and farther away from each other, making the tree bigger and stronger. It still makes me sad though. I think I would still be happy if my little tree stayed little. 

I'm no good with this growing apart thing. 

Or saying goodbye. 

Amazing things in life

I've been depressed. I needed to write down the things in life that I still find amazing.

1. Coming home late and going straight to bed.

2. Going on a ridiculously long run without getting tired.

3. Running away with a great new thought.

4. That perfect ride.

5. Taking to someone who just gets it.

6. Buying new clothes you found on sale.

7. Being happy with the number on the scale.

8. Holding hands.

9. Crawling into a warm bed.

10. Unexpected moments that become my favorite memories.

11. Smiling.

12. Talking on the phone with someone til five in the morning.

13. Resting on someones chest and listening to their heart beat.

14. Taking long showers that wash away the worries.

15. Feeling like I finally belong somewhere.

16. Heart to hearts with someone that actually cares.

17. Falling asleep instantly when you are upset.

18. His voice.

19. Spending time alone with my horses. 

20. Meeting people who change your life.

21. When you have a great night of sleep.

22. Feeling accepted. 

23. A warm cup of hot chocolate.

24. When someone does something extra thoughtful.

25. Getting a new book.

26. Having a completely stress free day. 

27. Not being scared to come home after school.

28. Being home alone.

29. Baggy Tshirts, sweats, and messy ponys.

30. Really laughing.

31. Being truly happy.

32. Naps.

33. My dogs when I come home. 

34. His smile.

35. His laugh.

36. Him.

37. Feeling accomplished.

38. Jeans that fit just right.

39. Soft lips.

40. The Snooze button. 

41. Wearing the guys jackets.

42. Warm rain.

43. Talking on the phone with someone until you fall asleep.

44. When my hair works just right.

45. Super smooth legs.

46. When someone calls you out of the blue.

47. Blasting music when no one is home.

48. Only being at home when its time to go to sleep. 

49. When that person you really want to text you, texts you. 

50. Realizing everything is going to be okay.

I shouldn't want it to but I do

I've never been one to contemplate suicidal thoughts for anything more then the psychoanalytical part of my mind but lately the thought has been more appealing. Not that I actually think I would. I couldn't. Nor do I exactly want to. Just the idea of everything being done is nice, although so is a pause button for life. I am so stressed, I just don't show it the way people usually do. I don't ever want to break down and cry or completely freak out. I just shut down. I lose my drive for everything, I become sediment and unwilling. No one seems to understand this and just continues pushing me and pushing me. I feel like I am about to explode, like I'm right on the edge of that cliff, one tap would send me hurdling downwards but one tap doesn't do it. Unfortunately. Somehow I pull myself together, I don't let myself lose it like that. I think it makes it worse. Much, much worse. 

My self esteem is at an all time low, as well as my confidence. Things have never been this way for me, I have always been a confident girl. I'm insecure and upset all the time. My happy moments are becoming far and few between and even when they are there they feel wrong, like I don't deserve them. I don't feel like myself, I feel like the happy me just got up and left one day while I was sleeping and I pass her by on occasion but once she is gone I just feel more empty then before. Like someone has punched a hole through my chest. I ache, a dull lifeless ache. It eats at me none the less. I can hardly breathe at times. 

I don't understand what is wrong with me.

There are nights I sometimes hope I have the strength not to get out of my bed in the morning. I know that sounds backwards, but I am afraid to admit to anyone that I can't handle this. So I put on a strong face and drag myself from one thing to the next with my false mask. I wish I had the strength to tell someone, but I have been shot down by anyone I open up to about this, saying "You don't really feel like that, your just being dramatic." And things like that. It gets me thinking, am I just being dramatic? Then the feelings return and crush me with their weight until I can't move and I am back where I started. I know these things a real, I just don't know why they are happening to me. Why I feel this way.

Like I said, I have never thought of suicide as a way out before, I would never take that route, I have lost a dear friend to it. But the thought of everything just being done entices me.

 I know I shouldn't want it to, but I do. 

Love thyself

I wish people would always say everything that came to their minds.

It makes things a lot easier. Relationships with people a lot easier. At least I think so. 

I like knowing exactly what people are thinking. Some people filter their thoughts too much. It makes it hard to understand them and to read them. They become too closed off from everyone even if it doesn't seem like they really are. Keeping thoughts locked up like that becomes really tiring on a person and starts to pick at them. It is something I am working on doing less. I am having a hard time keeping everything so closed off from everyone. 

There is this guy I know and I cannot figure him out for the life of me. 

Almost every time I talk to him I feel like I end up spilling my life story just so I can get him to say one or two things about himself. It's a lot of work ha ha. He just doesn't talk about himself, he worries about everyone else before himself and its driving me insane. Not that it is a bad thing that he cares about other people, but how does that one thing go again? 

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Oh right. I feel like he doesn't like himself so he doesn't worry about how he is feeling as long as someone else is happy. He never wants to talk about how he is feeling and when I ask him about it he just closes himself off from me. Even when he does talk there isn't much said, or shared. I really do want to listen to his issues, I want to help him help himself. But I don't think he wants himself to be happy. It seems like he is punishing himself for something and won't let himself be happy. I'm not sure what to do with him. I wish I could read his mind. If he just spilt all of the thoughts he's having, I think things would get easier. At least I would know where I stood. 

Its just plain frustrating. If we would stop pushing our thoughts out of the way to make way for thoughts about what we should say, the would would be a lot better off. 

At least those are my thoughts. 

I don't know what I am doing

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.

Bear with me because this is going to be a jumbled mess of what is going on in my mind. 

I've always been one to know exactly where I am going in life and exactly what I want, but in these last few months I guess I have been confused. Not the right word exactly but it is as close as it is going to get for now. I don't know what I am doing. In everything. Maybe this is just a byproduct of what I have been feeling from the previous post but, wow. I have no idea what I am doing and that scares me. Scares me out of my mind. I don't know what is going on with me. Whats wrong with me. Why am I suddenly broken? 

I'm scared of school. Man am I scared of school. I am scared of not being able to make it. Not getting into a good college, not getting a degree, letting my dad down. Yet this fear isn't motivating me. It's swallowing me. I feel like I am drowning and I don't have the drive to fight back, I'm just letting myself sink. It sounds much more inviting. I don't know how to make myself feel that drive. So I keep sinking. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know how to help myself. Its scary. So instead I sit and think. And thinking scares me more. 

I'm scared of not living up to something. I'm scared that my riding, something I've worked harder on then anything in my life wont chalk up to be anything more then a hobby. That I'll never be on top, I'll never get to the point I am constantly working to. No matter what people say about the working man succeeds, I have seen more then my fair share of hard working people work so hard at something they love, put every ounce on energy into it and die without making it to that point they worked their whole life to make it to. That rocks my strength, beats it down and crushes hope. I'm scared that it will never be anything worth while. 

I'm scared of doing something wrong. My parents are very controlling. They monitor everything I do, make me feel like the very thought of rebelling is a major rebellion in itself. So much so that I can't tell what is really rebellion and what is normal behavior. I am scared to ask for anything, to have the car, to go out with friends, so my immediate response is to just assume the answer is no and then feel like crap if I do it or stay at home and do nothing. (Then be scolded for being lazy) My parents assume that whatever other parents kids are doing I am doing as well. My mother hears her friends daughter, who I am no way involved with, is sending out nudes to guys = my phone is confiscated and all messages are read and the immediate removal of my screen lock password is called for. My brother (who is a cop) pulls over some kids my age and they are all high on spice and tells my parents = I am no longer allowed to carry my pain killers for my back and knees with me. My dad hears about alcohol being served for the adults and a barn party = I can never be around those people again. My mother is told about a friends daughters older boyfriend who was not such a great guy = My boyfriend being labeled the same and I am forbidden to see him again. 

This happens so frequently that I am scared to do anything. Take the phone for an example, I have nothing to hide on my cell phone. Nothing I should be worried about them finding but I'm terrified of it when they take it every night to check my messages and whatever else they do. Seriously terrified. I can't sleep sometimes because of it. Handing it in at night has become one of the worst feelings ever. I can feel them judging me. They don't trust me. At all. 

I'm scared to speak up, tell them how I am feeling. My dad has this nasty habit of yelling, he yells until I just can't handle it any more. I used to fight back, yell and scream, that would get me hit and yelled at more. Then I turned to just breaking down, crying and shaking, that didn't stop it either. So now I just sit and think. Try to hold my obsessive compulsions in that are triggered from the contention, I know if they show they will only get me in trouble. So I sit. And think. Try to block out the words just enough so I can still follow what he is saying but mask some of the emotion. BUT this is another topic entirely. Point being I am scared to say what I am feeling so I hold it in. Which scares me more. It's just sitting in there turning into somethings bigger then what it started as. 

It never seems go go away. I try to fix it, but I don't know how. I don't know what I want, I don't know how to get there, I don't know what I am doing with my life. 

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.  

A lack of importance

I've been feeling like I'm walking in circles, in life. 

Things feel robotic and I am finding nothing new. I am running into the same problems and meeting troubles on the same paths I took to avoid them. I'm feeling plain and unimportant in the lives of others, like I feel like I am a cog moving separately from the rest of the machine. There, but not making a big enough difference to matter if I was there or not. Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling depressed or unwanted, just not exactly important. Like it wouldn't matter if I went away, nothing in life would be altered. Does that make any sense? I know who I am and why I am here, but it seems like I'm in the wrong place, like a fish dropped in the desert. A perfectly good fish that would serve its purpose if it was in a pond but completely lost and useless in the middle of a desert.

I'm just not sure where to go now. 

Ignorance is bliss

"Ignorance is bliss."

I would have to disagree. 

Wow. Breathe. 

I don't understand how people can be happy living in ignorance. How can you stand not knowing, how can you just listen to something some one says and accept it as truth. What happened to looking, and finding things out for yourself? Testing waters, making mistakes, learning. Ignorant people make me sick, not people who are ignorant in the fact that they don't know yet, but the people who don't want to know. The people who purposely turn a blind eye because they can't handle thinking past elementary learning, or aren't open minded enough to realize there is a world outside their little bubble. What is up with that? 

What in the world is holding you back? Are you, for lack of a better word, stupid? Do you like being stupid? There are some people who are afraid to go out into the waters of thought and explore, for fear that they will fall off the edge. Those people I just want to grab by the shoulders and scream,

The world is round!

Some people are unteachable, nothing you can say will steer them off their path. They know extreme basics and anything new is instantly rejected. I know this sounds very extreme but I know many people like this, Hell bent in their own ways. My Uncle being one of them. Now, I would not jump on a family member like this usually, but when one tells me they will not allow their daughter to study biology in school because "evolution does not exist" I feel like I am allowed to call them stupid. I'm sorry sir, but evolution is happening, call it a "theory" all you want but until you have a better explanation then "Adam and Eve 'poofed' here", I'm with Darwin on this one.  

Also people who will sit and correct me, tell me I am wrong, then when I ask why they have no explanation. Well then, how exactly do you know I am wrong then? I am not opposed to learning. If you know I am wrong and can back up your reasoning I will listen. I guess this comes from growing up with a brainiac for a father. My dad is a genius. Any question I had when I was younger, BAM, answer. And not just an answer, facts, places I could go to learn for myself, things I could research. Heck with a couple PhD's to his name I could just about research him. This made me the person I am today. A person thirsty for knowlage, who won't settle with not knowing and can't understand how other people can. 

I was the little girl who wanted to be a paleontologist, I would sit with my dad and listen to him read text books on this stuff, then I wanted to be a geneticist, but not just a geneticist, a molecular geneticist like my dad, then on to a psychologist, then a million other things and I am still wrapped up in the world of science, focusing on Neuroscience. I couldn't even dream of being half of these things without wanting to know. Without abandoning self imposed ignorance. 

Just think of how much this world could accomplish if we just thought.

Think about that. 

Liar liar pants on fire

Lying is something I've never really been good at. 

I'm not entirely sure if that is a good thing or bad. Don't get me wrong.

 I could probably think up a pretty good story if my life depended on it, but other then that I am not the most talented liar. I think its difficult for anyone to be dishonest to someone they care about, I mean unless you were a psychopath, but thats something different entirely. I stumble over seemingly easy fibs though, I stutter and over act, I'm am sure I look completely ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. Lying is such a task. People who can lie easily kind of scare me. To put it quite plainly.

But what if you're lying to protect someone else?
Does that make it okay?
This, I've done lately, not well exactly, but done none the less. I am not lying to hurt anyone, just to keep someone else out of trouble. But, it still doesn't feel good. I feel like I need to take a long hot shower with lots of soap to get the scummy feeling off of me. Then after one or two of these lies I start to have a hard time keeping things straight and remembering who knows what about what. It kills me eventually either way.

So why am I lying?
Not sure.
Is honesty the best policy? Maybe.
Yeah.. Probably.

Simple answers, but that makes it so much more complicated. 

11:11

Is wishing silly?

Wish -- Verb:

To feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; to want something that cannot or probably will not happen.


Ouch.
I wish all the time. 
Anyone who knows me know, 
I have timers on my phone for 11:10, 
(one minute ahead so I have time to think of a great one) 
I am constantly on the look out for shooting stars, 
(I have impeccable luck at spotting them) 
I take blowing out birthday candles seriously, 
(I spend the whole day thinking of the perfect one) 
I stop at every wishing well,
(I've probably tossed more pennies into those things then I can count) 
and I will fight over the wish-bone on turkey day. 
(I seriously have to stop myself from pouting when they give it to the younger grandchildren) 


Now logically I know wishing isn't really doing me any good, but there is still that little child in there that thinks its the best way to get things done. I also believe in luck. I pick up pennies and look for four leaf clovers, I even wear certain things religiously when entering competitions. Again, logically, not doing me much good. 


Except for the psychological end of it. 
When I believe that making that wish or wearing that necklace under my riding coat is improving what I have already worked towards, I believe that I am sending out good thoughts and feelings and I truly thinks that gets things done.
 Of course with a dab of good old fashion hard work.


So I will continue wishing.

Walking alone

Why do we hide things from people?

Lately I've been frustrated with myself. I've been holding things in a taking on things alone, when I know my friends would help me in a heart beat. I've also been scared to bring things up. Things that are just eating away at me, things that need to be said and aired out with certain people. 

But instead I hide. I hide what I'm thinking and mask my emotions and feelings. I think I am afraid to be shot down, or look dumb, or even crazy. I guess the people, or person, I want to talk to should be one that wont judge me, or care. Still, in the back of my mind there is something holding me back, telling me that I will sound crazy if I bring it up, or that they will take offense and be upset with me. I am trying to work around that and say what I am feeling anyway, but then I remember that even the people I trust and love have shot me down and taken offense. 

Somethings are better left unsaid.

I guess. 

I speak my mind. I want people to know how I feel about things. I am not a hard person to read, what you see is what you get. I know they know I am struggling, they ask what they can do, or what is wrong, but their voice sounds condescending, or judgmental. They don't really want to know whats wrong. Or they would have listened the first time, right? The first time I brought it up, when I was really hurting. They are just following the social norm, what is to be expected. 

I may be over reacting, reading something into something that is not really there. I've felt trapped by these thoughts and feelings and having no one to turn to because the people who have been there for me before are now uninterested, it's not a great situation for me. 

Some of the things I want to air out may not be the easiest things to talk about but it's stuck there, in my head, festering and frustrating me to the point of insanity. With no one who will listen.

I am scared to talk to the people that I need to listen.

So the one person that has yet to shoot me down or get upset with me for the way I think is 2,193 miles away.

709 more days. Bruce I miss you more then words can say. 

Update

Today my dad returned home from the ICU. 

He is doing well and resting up. 

Things are looking to be a full recovery. 

Short

So it's been a few days. My apologies. 

This morning I had a rude awakening to how fragile life is.

This morning, while out at the pasture with my horses, my dad had a heart attack.

I can't say it was the scariest moment of my life. Not even close. I even thought about the fact that it was strange how calm I was while speeding home with him to get my mom to go to the hospital. There was no surge of adrenaline, or even panic. I didn't feel much different then how I felt minutes before he alerted me of the pain in his chest. Truthfully I was more worried about him getting mad at me for clearly speeding down a residential area. Even at the first hospital, where he was given morphine and had other tests run to confirm that he was having a heart attack, or when he was emergency rushed to Utah Valley Hospital and then into emergency surgery. I was calm. Strange right?

I knew I should be panicked, and worried. Thats how most people would have reacted.

 Even my older brothers were crying in front of their wives. I am close to my dad, so it would have been expected to be a bit shaken up. Instead I felt myself faking those emotions, to the point where they almost felt real, but in the back of my mind I knew I was making myself feel them because that was what was expected. It was a weird limbo. One of my dear friends Shelby Hughes lost her Step Father earlier this year and was incredibly understanding with all of this. I couldn't have asked for a better shoulder to lean on. Even though the typical emotions weren't necessarily being felt, having someone there was more then appreciated. 

In all of this there was still that feeling that this could end at any second. 

Even after he was pronounced stable and things were looking up I was still thinking about the fact that an artery had been 100% clogged and he could have died at any second. It wasn't a panicked thought, just something I was thinking about. 

Death isn't something we can stop. And I'm not sure that bothers me.

Life is short. 

Lives end and begin every second. 

I love my dad, and I would have been more then crushed to lose him today. 

I am thankful things are cautiously optimistic and can't wait for him to be released from the ICU in a couple of days.

Live life to its fullest. Make mistakes. Learn new things. Love everyone and trust a few. Keep love moving. And keep moving forward.

I'm happy

Have you ever been so happy and thought how does life get any better then this? 

There are a few things in life that make me this happy, and then there are a million things in life that make me slightly less happy then that. Such as Nutella, and Cafe Rio house dressing. Yum. Or when your hair is just perfect the whole day, or that guy you've been crushing on puts a winky face in his text, and just little things in life that make you go, "Yes! There is a God.". Those are awesome. 

But really, ever had those "There is no way my life will ever get better then this exact moment." moments? Ever had those so frequently that you begin to question if its healthy? I'm addicted to them. Let me put it this way, I am so happy when I am with the person/people who make me feel this way, or doing the thing that makes me feel like that, that sometimes I am just living life from moment to moment and not really focusing on life in between. For example equestrian riding is my life. I eat, sleep, and breathe horses. Nothing on earth makes me happier. Almost every time I ride I get those, "There is no way my life will ever get better then this exact moment." moments. Every time I have one of those perfect rides I'm on cloud 9. It's great.
(Link to a past english assignment I wrote that better explains my riding -- I have confidence)


Not only do things and activities make me happy but certain people do as well. There are people that just mesh with my personality so brilliantly well its scary. They make me smile so much my cheeks hurt and laugh until I feel a six pack coming on. They make feel perfectly sane while doing the most insane things and will usually join right in. They take promises seriously and keep all my secrets. Just being around them I am instantly happy. No matter what we are doing.

I love these people.

I could go on and on about the things that make me that happy, but I think I might save that for another time. The point is there are things in my life that make me happy. Super happy. I wouldn't give them up for the world. I've just been giving them some thought lately, I'm a happy person. I love life and find joy in it everyday. These things are just the cherry on top of my sunday of life, well no, not really as I don't particularly like cherries, or sundays. More like the creamy house dressing to my Cafe Rio Salad or the spoon fulls of Nutella at the end of a day. Yeah thats better.

Keep Moving Forward

A great man once said, 

"When you stop, the world keeps moving forward. The instant you become idle you are going backwards." --Bruce Peck

This man is rather short, with fire-engine red hair and, a head big enough to fit the world into. He is one of the most amazing, inspiring people I've ever met. I've mentioned him before and I am sure he will come up again. Like I stated in a previous post Bruce looks at things differently. He sees things other people just pass over. Just a quick chat with him left me feeling that much better off. It is simply amazing to say the least. Bruce is a guy who is constantly moving forward, constantly progressing, constantly learning, and puts his whole into everything. I've never met anyone like him, but I think everyone needs a friend like Bruce. 

Bruce has these sayings, quotes, I call them Bruceisms. I have a notebook full of them. This one in particular hit me hard. A good kind of hard. Its something people my age don't really think about, and I don't think most people in general do either. But its become my philosophy in life. It's my moto, something that makes sense when nothing else does.

Keep Moving Forward


Bad day?
Keep moving forward.
 Bad week?
 Keep moving forward.
 Bad month?
Keep moving forward.
Bad year?
Keep moving forward. 


The dictionary says it best I think,
Keep: Verb --to continue in an action
Moving: Verb --to advance or progress
Forward: Adjective --directed towards a point in advance

"To continue and progress towards a point in advance." There is just so much I could write about this. This phrase applies to everything I can think of, think about it.  

Love all, trust a few

There comes a point in everyones life, where you have to put your trust in someone.

Whether you easily trust or are a bit more wary no one goes through life without trusting someone.

Even if that someone is only themselves. 

Sometimes one only one left to trust is your shadow, who else has never left your side? No matter the opposing force. Anyone who can do that, deserves my trust. Trust is so important to me, I view it as if your not someone that can be trusted by anyone you are not putting enough into anything. Trust is one of the hardest things to gain and the easiest to lose. An image of a hard working person to me is not one with a nail and hammer, it is one who works to be trusted. 

The way I see it is every relationship you ever have, Trust, or the lack there of, is involved. You either trust someone or you don't. There are no gray areas that I can see. Trust is not something that should be taken lightly, when I trust someone the last thing I want is to be proven wrong. I don't trust a lot of people, but when I first meet someone I give them the benefit of the doubt. I hope for the best in them and view a person in that light until they prove me wrong. At that point it is very hard to climb back up that ladder. 

Trust though, is different. Its not something I hand out willy nilly. Its something thats gained, its something thats earned through time and true actions. It can take years to build trust and seconds to destroy it. I think of it as a house of cards. A BIG house of cards. I don't know if you've ever tried to make one of those things, but dang... It takes a willing person with a lot patience to carefully stack those cards higher and higher, then with the slightest breeze or slip of the hand the entire thing comes crashing down. Then once its gone its much harder to pick up and do again. The bit of confidence you had before is now gone. Back to my image of a hard working person, that person takes pride in his houses of cards, he doesn't step aside when prospects of untrustworthy acts come along to destroy his work. He fights to defend them. 

Trust is that important. It should be that important, if it isn't, is the rest of life?

Pity Parties

I consider myself to be a pretty nice person.

I don't go out of my way to make someone feel bad or hurt someone, I don't see how people can do that to others. It kind of makes me feel sick inside thinking about the state of mind you would have to be in to purposely hurt someone, physically or emotionally. I just don't get it. 

(Which makes me start to think about the debate on human nature.. but before I get off topic-) 

But one of the things that really gets me frustrated is listening to pity parties. I will listen to people talk when they are upset, because everyone needs that ever once and a while. Everyone needs a little extra support from time to time, but when it starts to become an every day thing, when it turns into a way to get attention and just to get attention, it crosses the line. I can't stand it. It takes my support, something I willingly and happily give and betrays my trust. I honestly feel used when I have to listen to one. 

When people tell me they have problems I try my best to help them out, give them my opinions and let them talk it out, then when they come back to me and want to talk about the same thing I want to hear something has changed, that they are putting forth some sort of effort to change and grow from whatever trial they were experiencing. Not the same old story. Little life hint: Nothing comes from nothing. Thee end. If you are not willing to put forth the effort to try to help yourself, don't be surprised when nothing changes. Now these people who come to me are good people, they are nice and kind people. I enjoy their company. They are my friends. At times while they are going on and on about how no one likes them, or they have no confidence, or this or that happened to them, I can't tell whats real and whats just an act for attention. When it happens that often there is a problem. 

Their cry of wolf tends to fall on deaf ears. 

I want to shake them and get it through to them that these pity parties are, in all honesty, waisting both of our time. I don't want to listen to you whine about your "rough" life and you are doing nothing to gain that attention your seeking. If you have a problem, please, PLEASE come to me. Tell me about it. Let me help or at least be a vent for some emotions. I want to know whats really bothering you. I want to help you with whatever I can. But as soon as it becomes more then an honest cry for help, you let me down. 

So please, stop inviting me to your pity parties. 

I want

Does the feeling of want ever go away? 

And when you get what you want, why do you want more? 

Was what you wanted no longer good enough?

Was it ever really as good as it seemed?

 Is the novelty gone now that its yours? 

Can we ever be happy with what we have, or must we constantly want?

Last night I was thinking (surprise surprise), about want, and wanting. It seems like 

as soon as you get something you've wanted you're almost instantly lusting after something else.  A "this is nice, but whats next" attitude. Its like a camp fire, when you first light that fire you give it a decent amount of wood to consume, when it begins to burn through that wood you are forced to feed it more or let it burn out. When you don't have a large supply of wood at hand you have to find that wood while the fire is consuming the wood before it. You are working hard to find this wood and the fire just keeps using up the wood its already received and unless you continue to give it the wood that it wants it will lose its flame and die. That fire can never gain the same amount of satisfaction from the wood it has already had so it searches for more.  

It drives me crazy. I know I've done it, and I see others do it as well. Is it human nature to be nothing more then a fire consuming what we want and then moving on to the next big thing? I don't think I will elaborate in this post what exactly I was thinking of last night, I may save it for another time, but I really could not help but to wonder how we can go from wanting and craving something so badly, to getting it and realizing you never really wanted this, you wanted what you would want after obtaining this.  It's a never ending cycle of want. It never ends. 

Will having enough ever be enough? 

Now, although I have portrayed the cycle to be a not so good thing I also think it can be a very good thing. The "Want Cycle", as I am going to call it is what keeps me wanting to know more. What I know now will never be enough, I won't ever know enough. I'm not even sure my brain has the capacity to hold everything I want to know, but I am going to continue feeding my fire for knowledge until I die. So in at least that way,

 I will never have enough.  

KLM

I am a high school student, I have to deal with everything that comes along with that.

Your social relations in high school are everything, whether your a clique type of person or one who jumps around from group to group. Everyone either has friends or doesn't. The social relations in high school are what fuel everything, sports, clubs, the pecking order in the commons at lunch. There are two kinds of people on top, the people who others genuinely enjoy to be around and there are others, the stereotypical manipulative "popular" people. It has confused me why people spend time with this latter group. I guess so many people want to be on top so badly they will associate themselves with anyone to get there. I've never understood it. I couldn't bring myself to push others down to get to the top, because once they realize what you really are, they are going to move and you won't have anyone to stand on anymore.  

"To burn a bridge you have to light a fire"

We've all burned bridges, we've all fought with someone. I know I have. Until I met Bruce Peck, this boy changed the way I look at life. After forming a friendship with Bruce I opened up to him and I trusted him. He thinks differently then everyone else, he forms his own opinions and lives his own way. He is also one of the most true to himself, friendly, happy people I know. Bruce has life figured out. I am comfortable around him, I could be myself and not worry that he was judging me. Bruce loves everyone, once he is friends with someone he would never turn his back on them. He would never be the one to light the fire. If a fight was had he willingly forgave and continued loving that person. His arms are always open, if they wanted to walk away he would let them, but he would wait and if they ever wanted to rebuild that bridge he was there to help them. This was something I was not used to. Prior to meeting Bruce I did not think people who thought this way existed passed Jesus Christ and his teachings in the bible. He opened up a new door, showed me a different point a view to life. We didn't need to be so concerned about getting to the top and more about how many people we could take there with us. 

KLM, keep love moving. My two best friends, Raymond and Hayden taught me that saying after taking me out for my birthday. It stuck with me. If everyone understood the power of love the world would be a much happier place. Anger, resentment, and envy take humanity as a whole no where but down. One act of kindness, one smile, could travel the world if it was spread. Love is like an infection. If one person has it for another it grows and gets stronger, spreading quickly. If you witness an act of kindness, pass it on.  Keep it moving. 

Drowned out the hate with a smile. 

I think I think too much

I am a thinker. I genuinely love to think.
One idea gets me started and within minutes that one idea has evolved into a mass of new ideas and concepts. Thinking gets me excited. I push myself to think in different and creative ways. It's like a drug to me, I crave it. The search for more knowledge is like a game I am constantly playing and refuse to put down. The more I know the more I know I don't know, it keeps me going. Keeps me thinking and exploring. I think about everything, form opinions and new ideas. It's fun for me. Thinking is something I am passionate about, I have strong opinions and beliefs, I enjoy being interested and understanding things that are not common knowledge.

There is so much to life.

 Everything is changing, constantly moving in one direction or the other.
Sometimes its hard to keep up with it all. Some people don't even bother, they are content with their life as they live it and only involve themselves in the things that directly involve them. They hardly ponder thoughts such as "What if.." or "Why.." they are happy in life without knowing so they never delve deeper into what they don't know. In some ways I don't understand how anyone could live like that, in other ways I envy them. Sometimes I wish my mind had an off button or at least one for auto-pilot, so I could just coast for a time without having to analyze every thought that reaches my conscious. Yet honestly I don't think could never be happy without knowing. My mind is on over drive, it never takes a break. Sometimes I get so consumed by a thought that I can hardly function. I analyze everything, then I over analyze and analyze my over analysts. My train of thought is hardly chugging along a straight and plain track, it barrels down twisting and jagged routes, jumping cars to separate tracks, spinning and reversing, ever-moving. My mind is buzzing like a radiator, not always in the limelight but never the less always there. It's the background music to my life. At times I've tried to tune it out, but as soon as I think it's gone it kicks up again.

My opinions may differ from conventional thinking, but I think that is what makes life so perfect.