Falling short

I really dislike feeling not good enough.

Smart. Never brilliant. 

Pretty. Never beautiful.

I don't think it is a feeling anyone is particularly fond of. Maybe I'm the only one but I get these feelings far more often around this time. The New Year, when everyone is looking to change for the better. Setting up resolutions and such. Looking back this year has been such a roller coaster. Some of the highest highs I've ever hit and also some of the lowest lows. Corkscrewing and plunging until I'm completely sick.

Starting off 2011 I was determined to make it my best year yet. I assume we all feel that way, starting off with optimism. I hit the ground running so to speak. Chin up, shoulders back, waking up with a smile, excited for the day. That lasted about three weeks. Ha.

Then that first blow hit, something that just shook me up. A betray of trust from someone I trusted my whole heart to. I realized too late the feeling wasn't mutual. That little castle of cards I talked about in an earlier post? Yeah that came crashing down faster then I could have done it myself. It was a hit that came completely out of the blue, something that I guess everyone but me could see. And I honestly didn't. I was completely blind to what was coming and didn't have a chance to try to shield myself. Then me, being me, scrambled to catch the cards before they hit down into reality, not wanting to let go of something that had been my rock for two years before. Frantically placing back in the spots I remembered them being, granted they were placed a little askew, tilting and swaying every which way, but it was something I could hold on to, something I should have let fall then but refused to. Even still that part of my castle is still a little crooked, those cards never quite finding their footing again. 

But nevertheless I picked myself up again and dusted myself off and kept moving forward. Things got better, things were looking good so of course thats when the next one hit. Something that may sound small to someone else but to me it was more then enough pain to go through. A wrinkle into a dream I thought would stay untouched. A change in a story I had already wrote my ending to. Another surprise. Nothing I could change, not another house of cards I could pick up and try to replace. I tried to strain my eternal optimism over this, cover it up and see some good but I couldn't help but to think, 'why is this happening to me, why is this happening to him?'

There were more ups and downs as the summer started, some that would take me just high enough to see over the bad before plunging back down. I had friends to lean on this time, one in particular that practically carried me through points.  One that helped me keep my sanity. One that would do the talking for me so I could just listen. A guy who didn't make me work for every little bit, who knew when I needed a rest, and also just how far I could push myself.

Then out of everyone and everything there was one who never let me down, not once. One I could always talk to, one I could always trust, one that loved me as much as I loved him without a doubt. Someone who I know is going to sounds silly to all of those that don't understand.

Patriot VF, my horse. The only one I trust with my whole heart anymore. He is so much more then a horse to me. He is someone who never stops trying, he is my eternal optimist when mine is running low. Someone who trusts me as much as I trust him. Who makes everyday worth waking up for no matter what it brings. He makes every day worth living. This summer with its ups and downs was leveled out a little by him. I knew I could rest with him, I knew he wouldn't judge me when I wasn't feeling strong, when I just needed someone to be there while I broke down.

The fall was a lot of the same, ups and downs, school starting and of course the stress that comes with that. The regret two months in of taking on so much at once but not wanting anyone to think I was weak and pushing though it anyway. Again and again getting knocked down right as I stood up and standing up again.

Then he left, to write another chapter of his life, and left me here to fend for myself. The one who had become my sanity, not just someone to lean on. That was a hard blow. His letters keep me going now. But I think he times them, he knows how far to push me still, making me wait and wait until I figure things out myself, holding his words just out of reach because he knows I can do it myself. He knows me too well, sometimes I think better then I know myself.

Winter again, rounding around to the new year, looking back at everything that has happened, I can't help but feel like I fell short of what I set out to do. Took the jump half a stride too soon and clipped the pole with my toes sending them tumbling down. It is infuriating.

 Once again I did good, but not good enough.

Good. Never great.

Again I'll push myself this next year, set my sights higher then the last, try to prove to myself I can do the impossible. Convince myself I wont fall short. Thats what its about right, obtaining the great. No one ever gets remembered for being good.