I don't know what I am doing

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.

Bear with me because this is going to be a jumbled mess of what is going on in my mind. 

I've always been one to know exactly where I am going in life and exactly what I want, but in these last few months I guess I have been confused. Not the right word exactly but it is as close as it is going to get for now. I don't know what I am doing. In everything. Maybe this is just a byproduct of what I have been feeling from the previous post but, wow. I have no idea what I am doing and that scares me. Scares me out of my mind. I don't know what is going on with me. Whats wrong with me. Why am I suddenly broken? 

I'm scared of school. Man am I scared of school. I am scared of not being able to make it. Not getting into a good college, not getting a degree, letting my dad down. Yet this fear isn't motivating me. It's swallowing me. I feel like I am drowning and I don't have the drive to fight back, I'm just letting myself sink. It sounds much more inviting. I don't know how to make myself feel that drive. So I keep sinking. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know how to help myself. Its scary. So instead I sit and think. And thinking scares me more. 

I'm scared of not living up to something. I'm scared that my riding, something I've worked harder on then anything in my life wont chalk up to be anything more then a hobby. That I'll never be on top, I'll never get to the point I am constantly working to. No matter what people say about the working man succeeds, I have seen more then my fair share of hard working people work so hard at something they love, put every ounce on energy into it and die without making it to that point they worked their whole life to make it to. That rocks my strength, beats it down and crushes hope. I'm scared that it will never be anything worth while. 

I'm scared of doing something wrong. My parents are very controlling. They monitor everything I do, make me feel like the very thought of rebelling is a major rebellion in itself. So much so that I can't tell what is really rebellion and what is normal behavior. I am scared to ask for anything, to have the car, to go out with friends, so my immediate response is to just assume the answer is no and then feel like crap if I do it or stay at home and do nothing. (Then be scolded for being lazy) My parents assume that whatever other parents kids are doing I am doing as well. My mother hears her friends daughter, who I am no way involved with, is sending out nudes to guys = my phone is confiscated and all messages are read and the immediate removal of my screen lock password is called for. My brother (who is a cop) pulls over some kids my age and they are all high on spice and tells my parents = I am no longer allowed to carry my pain killers for my back and knees with me. My dad hears about alcohol being served for the adults and a barn party = I can never be around those people again. My mother is told about a friends daughters older boyfriend who was not such a great guy = My boyfriend being labeled the same and I am forbidden to see him again. 

This happens so frequently that I am scared to do anything. Take the phone for an example, I have nothing to hide on my cell phone. Nothing I should be worried about them finding but I'm terrified of it when they take it every night to check my messages and whatever else they do. Seriously terrified. I can't sleep sometimes because of it. Handing it in at night has become one of the worst feelings ever. I can feel them judging me. They don't trust me. At all. 

I'm scared to speak up, tell them how I am feeling. My dad has this nasty habit of yelling, he yells until I just can't handle it any more. I used to fight back, yell and scream, that would get me hit and yelled at more. Then I turned to just breaking down, crying and shaking, that didn't stop it either. So now I just sit and think. Try to hold my obsessive compulsions in that are triggered from the contention, I know if they show they will only get me in trouble. So I sit. And think. Try to block out the words just enough so I can still follow what he is saying but mask some of the emotion. BUT this is another topic entirely. Point being I am scared to say what I am feeling so I hold it in. Which scares me more. It's just sitting in there turning into somethings bigger then what it started as. 

It never seems go go away. I try to fix it, but I don't know how. I don't know what I want, I don't know how to get there, I don't know what I am doing with my life. 

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.