Pain of mind

Pain of mind is worse then pain of body.

Feeling trapped inside yourself for any number of reasons is both terrifying and painful. 

Feeling ruled by emotions or obsessions is a battle I gear up for every day. Familiar feelings bubbling up inside, sometimes I let them, welcome them, they are constant, something I know will always be the same, other times I fight them, try in vain to push them out. It doesn't do much good other then to cover them with a thin sheet, still there, still bubbling. Still stabbing at me. 

No one understands it, I don't even. It makes thing incredibly difficult for me. Trying to explain what is going on in my mind. One trigger sets me off. The need for release from the anxiety. The few that try to help only make it worse, either over dramatizing it and making me feel like some sort of freak show or not giving it any recognition. I don't think I'll ever have someone to go to that understands.

These habits and routines have the unbelievable power to destroy. 

The relationships I am losing, pushing away, because of this, the opportunities missed... I can no longer count them on my hands. The numbers dance around in my head. One, two, three, four... 

It rules everything around me.