Merry Christmas

Things have not felt like Christmas here this season. Things have been off. Not so cheery. 

Nothing has really been different, well I guess I can't say that. A lot of things have changed, are changing. It's made everything different. Things I've never imagined to happened have in such a short amount of time. Things I haven't brought up to anyone but a few and never the whole story. It's like if I say it out loud its finally true and I have to except everything the way it is now. It's messing with my Christmas.

Christmas has never been like the end all be all holiday for me. Not even when I was younger. The toys and things weren't that important to me, and at the time being with family was nothing different then any other day. What Christmas is, what it represents was something I was taught all year round, again nothing remarkably special or different. We had our traditions and carried on the same things every year. 

Now things are different. For the last three years things have been changing. Three of my brothers are married with kids, and the youngest has moved out and has a life of his own. I am home. Alone. Its weird. Traditions have been swiped under the mat, whole parts of the holiday left out. Things don't feel like Christmas for me. It seems like I'm just that last loose end that hangs from the end of a sweater. Just the one left at home while everyone else does their own new things. I want things to go back to the old ways.

I miss it. 


I'm desperate for something steady and unchanging while everything else around me does.