Walking alone

Why do we hide things from people?

Lately I've been frustrated with myself. I've been holding things in a taking on things alone, when I know my friends would help me in a heart beat. I've also been scared to bring things up. Things that are just eating away at me, things that need to be said and aired out with certain people. 

But instead I hide. I hide what I'm thinking and mask my emotions and feelings. I think I am afraid to be shot down, or look dumb, or even crazy. I guess the people, or person, I want to talk to should be one that wont judge me, or care. Still, in the back of my mind there is something holding me back, telling me that I will sound crazy if I bring it up, or that they will take offense and be upset with me. I am trying to work around that and say what I am feeling anyway, but then I remember that even the people I trust and love have shot me down and taken offense. 

Somethings are better left unsaid.

I guess. 

I speak my mind. I want people to know how I feel about things. I am not a hard person to read, what you see is what you get. I know they know I am struggling, they ask what they can do, or what is wrong, but their voice sounds condescending, or judgmental. They don't really want to know whats wrong. Or they would have listened the first time, right? The first time I brought it up, when I was really hurting. They are just following the social norm, what is to be expected. 

I may be over reacting, reading something into something that is not really there. I've felt trapped by these thoughts and feelings and having no one to turn to because the people who have been there for me before are now uninterested, it's not a great situation for me. 

Some of the things I want to air out may not be the easiest things to talk about but it's stuck there, in my head, festering and frustrating me to the point of insanity. With no one who will listen.

I am scared to talk to the people that I need to listen.

So the one person that has yet to shoot me down or get upset with me for the way I think is 2,193 miles away.

709 more days. Bruce I miss you more then words can say.