2012

Happy New Year!

Falling short

I really dislike feeling not good enough.

Smart. Never brilliant. 

Pretty. Never beautiful.

I don't think it is a feeling anyone is particularly fond of. Maybe I'm the only one but I get these feelings far more often around this time. The New Year, when everyone is looking to change for the better. Setting up resolutions and such. Looking back this year has been such a roller coaster. Some of the highest highs I've ever hit and also some of the lowest lows. Corkscrewing and plunging until I'm completely sick.

Starting off 2011 I was determined to make it my best year yet. I assume we all feel that way, starting off with optimism. I hit the ground running so to speak. Chin up, shoulders back, waking up with a smile, excited for the day. That lasted about three weeks. Ha.

Then that first blow hit, something that just shook me up. A betray of trust from someone I trusted my whole heart to. I realized too late the feeling wasn't mutual. That little castle of cards I talked about in an earlier post? Yeah that came crashing down faster then I could have done it myself. It was a hit that came completely out of the blue, something that I guess everyone but me could see. And I honestly didn't. I was completely blind to what was coming and didn't have a chance to try to shield myself. Then me, being me, scrambled to catch the cards before they hit down into reality, not wanting to let go of something that had been my rock for two years before. Frantically placing back in the spots I remembered them being, granted they were placed a little askew, tilting and swaying every which way, but it was something I could hold on to, something I should have let fall then but refused to. Even still that part of my castle is still a little crooked, those cards never quite finding their footing again. 

But nevertheless I picked myself up again and dusted myself off and kept moving forward. Things got better, things were looking good so of course thats when the next one hit. Something that may sound small to someone else but to me it was more then enough pain to go through. A wrinkle into a dream I thought would stay untouched. A change in a story I had already wrote my ending to. Another surprise. Nothing I could change, not another house of cards I could pick up and try to replace. I tried to strain my eternal optimism over this, cover it up and see some good but I couldn't help but to think, 'why is this happening to me, why is this happening to him?'

There were more ups and downs as the summer started, some that would take me just high enough to see over the bad before plunging back down. I had friends to lean on this time, one in particular that practically carried me through points.  One that helped me keep my sanity. One that would do the talking for me so I could just listen. A guy who didn't make me work for every little bit, who knew when I needed a rest, and also just how far I could push myself.

Then out of everyone and everything there was one who never let me down, not once. One I could always talk to, one I could always trust, one that loved me as much as I loved him without a doubt. Someone who I know is going to sounds silly to all of those that don't understand.

Patriot VF, my horse. The only one I trust with my whole heart anymore. He is so much more then a horse to me. He is someone who never stops trying, he is my eternal optimist when mine is running low. Someone who trusts me as much as I trust him. Who makes everyday worth waking up for no matter what it brings. He makes every day worth living. This summer with its ups and downs was leveled out a little by him. I knew I could rest with him, I knew he wouldn't judge me when I wasn't feeling strong, when I just needed someone to be there while I broke down.

The fall was a lot of the same, ups and downs, school starting and of course the stress that comes with that. The regret two months in of taking on so much at once but not wanting anyone to think I was weak and pushing though it anyway. Again and again getting knocked down right as I stood up and standing up again.

Then he left, to write another chapter of his life, and left me here to fend for myself. The one who had become my sanity, not just someone to lean on. That was a hard blow. His letters keep me going now. But I think he times them, he knows how far to push me still, making me wait and wait until I figure things out myself, holding his words just out of reach because he knows I can do it myself. He knows me too well, sometimes I think better then I know myself.

Winter again, rounding around to the new year, looking back at everything that has happened, I can't help but feel like I fell short of what I set out to do. Took the jump half a stride too soon and clipped the pole with my toes sending them tumbling down. It is infuriating.

 Once again I did good, but not good enough.

Good. Never great.

Again I'll push myself this next year, set my sights higher then the last, try to prove to myself I can do the impossible. Convince myself I wont fall short. Thats what its about right, obtaining the great. No one ever gets remembered for being good. 

Today

Today I will forget,

The sorrows of before.

I'll be one day stronger,

as I walk out my door. 

Today I'll break the chains,

That have scarred my tired wrists.

To defeat the monster deep inside,

and quiet it's insists. 

Today I will stand taller,

I'll trust myself to know.

For if I fall I'll stand again,

And my strength will only grow. 

Today I will have courage,

To face another day.

Surrounded by others,

Who have much the same to say. 

Today I will have faith,

which really is just to hope.

I'll climb the mountain of challenge,

and conquer its steep slope. 

Today I'll speak words of truth,

"Get thee hence, deceive me not."

I'll proclaim, the same as Moses,

"Get behind me Satan, I am stronger then you thought."

Merry Christmas

Things have not felt like Christmas here this season. Things have been off. Not so cheery. 

Nothing has really been different, well I guess I can't say that. A lot of things have changed, are changing. It's made everything different. Things I've never imagined to happened have in such a short amount of time. Things I haven't brought up to anyone but a few and never the whole story. It's like if I say it out loud its finally true and I have to except everything the way it is now. It's messing with my Christmas.

Christmas has never been like the end all be all holiday for me. Not even when I was younger. The toys and things weren't that important to me, and at the time being with family was nothing different then any other day. What Christmas is, what it represents was something I was taught all year round, again nothing remarkably special or different. We had our traditions and carried on the same things every year. 

Now things are different. For the last three years things have been changing. Three of my brothers are married with kids, and the youngest has moved out and has a life of his own. I am home. Alone. Its weird. Traditions have been swiped under the mat, whole parts of the holiday left out. Things don't feel like Christmas for me. It seems like I'm just that last loose end that hangs from the end of a sweater. Just the one left at home while everyone else does their own new things. I want things to go back to the old ways.

I miss it. 


I'm desperate for something steady and unchanging while everything else around me does. 

Noah

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” 

 Marry me Noah. 

I've obviously been down in the dumps way to long. As of this second I am finishing reading The Notebook for the third time in two weeks. I am in love with this book.  Yes, I will admit that I fall head over heals in love with Noah every time I pick it up, the book Noah let that be clear, not the movie Noah, which honestly I see as two completely different people. 

I get so wrapped up in Noah's emotion in the book, his obvious and complete love for Allie. Even after everything they went through even after he was completely rejected by Allie's parents he still kept fighting for her. Waiting for her when they took her away. He loved her through all of it. It's admiral. Crazy, but admiral. And that's why I really think I love the character. He is so raw, he shows everything he is feeling. Even the people around him can see how much he loves her without knowing anything. When he writes her everyday without one letter in return, when he makes true of his promise to her even after all those years by rebuilding that house, when even in desperation he shows Allie how much he loves her by saying it was going to be hard but he would make it work because he wanted her. When he continues to fight for her for the rest of their lives..

Ah. How fangirl is it for me to say that? I really couldn't think of a better, more sincere, just entirely real with flaws person, sure his temper isn't exactly my favorite but it's who he is and shows how passionate he is. Okay enough geeking out. 

I need some new reading material.

 Or an answer to my down in the dumps problem. 

Dear You,

I've found myself waiting again.

Obsessively checking the mail for your letter. Re-reading your last, as if I am searching a dry canteen for those last bits of life sustaining liquid. I'm craving your understanding words, your sanity, as I am quickly loosing mine. I've run my mind into a frenzy trying desperately to think of the words you would say to calm me. I need you here in my life more then ever right now, things have turned into a real mess real fast and I can't seem to sort out even my own thoughts at this point.

 My mind has run away with me, complete insanity setting in. I'm on the brink of losing it I'm sure, I know this must be what it feels like. I'm on the edge of that cliff again, just waiting for that last push to send me spiraling off into the abyss of chaos. I'm right where you told me to never go again, on my toes with my arms spread wide just taking it all into the chest. Wave after wave smashing into me while I wait to tip,  falling so far down to a place where I can't climb out of, where the light is non existent. There is so much I dare not tell anyone. Anyone but you. If you were here. So much more than what they can see, so much that I keep behind closed doors. So much I drown out with this well practiced smile. 

This isn't me. This depressing person that is too frequently around as of late. I know you would tell me that too. You would tell me I am being silly and coax the real me back away from the edge with your words spun like silk, pulling me back into your steady arms and hold me there until your voice soothed out my shaking body and pulled the corners of my lips up into a real smile. I need that. I need you. I need your logic to bring me back to reality again. 

I know you are needed elsewhere at the time, I know there are people you are with that need you much more then I. Still I miss you, it's okay to do that right? Well I do.

659 more days.

Still waiting,

Me

Who can say

I've spent my whole life being taught that my parents know exactly what life has in store for me. Every step, every decision already made. I've had that thrown at me from every direction. From things as large as what higher educational degree I will obtain, to whether or not I dye my hair.

Every thing has been planned out from the day I was born. 

When I step off the well laid path all hell breaks loose. 

One tiny step, one decision made for myself and its as if I've spit in their faces. 

I make one move that wasn't in the cards, a move for myself, and no matter the move I am wrong. They don't trust me, not because I've proven myself to make horrid decisions, but because they are stuck in their own world they've built for me, this second by second minute by minute walk through they've made for my life. 

Because they are concerned that if the let go of my hand I'll fall and get hurt. Thats what parents are supposed to do. Worry. And for all the fussing and over-exaggerated worrying my parents do they deserve an award. 

But I've decided something, life isn't about the things you are taught, life is about the things you learn. Sometimes it takes trying, messing up, falling and standing back up again to learn. To learn from your own mistakes or accomplishments. To look at something and be able to say I've done that and here I am now. For better or worse. Parents can teach anything but they are just preparing you for what is to come. There comes a time when they can't and shouldn't make all of the decisions for you. There comes a time where its okay to take a walk onto your own path, figure out what you really want in your life. A time that I think comes at different points in everyones life.

Who can say where you'll end up ten years from now? You can make plans, and work to make things happen, but no one can say what will actually happen.

 Things change, people change, your life changes.  

Chapters

Its kind of a weird realization when you begin to understand that you were just a chapter in someones life. Not the story. They've read you and now they are moving on. Its like those easily killed off characters that can be quickly replaced in the story that they had no long term purpose in, in the first place. Characters that hardly create emotions in the reader when their time is spent. Just gone. And the reader reads on. 

I don't like goodbyes, thats probably why I am still in the places I am, still friends with the same people, still reading the same chapter over and over again. I make myself crazy wondering what it would be like if I just walked out of someones life and continued reading on. It eats me up because I can't, I can't because then I'd make myself crazy wondering what it would be like if they were still in my life. People come in and out of my life while reading their own stories and move on without a second glance, not something unusual, just life. You pass people every day that become part of your story for a short second. Its when those characters get names and stories of their own that walking away becomes goodbye. 

Time to time I take moments to think about all those characters in my story, all those I've had to say goodbye to or ones that have left me with a disappointing cliff hanger to the end of my chapter that never gets resolved. Like I said, I make myself crazy thinking about those what if's, what happened, and where are they now's. 

Some chapters I never want to close. Some I read over and over, play back memories of times past. Chapters I pray never end. When they do I feel empty, lost even. Like a writer who has lost their vision. Their story is confusing, a jumbled mess of characters with no real direction. Then when you find it the story takes off again, like wild fire, burning through the chapter so fast you are scrambling to hold on some part of it.

In conclusion, 

I've been reading way too much.

Whats wrong with everyone else

Yesterday while walking down the hallway at the high school I was stopped mid stride by a young man who smiled and said hello then carried on his way. He does this every time I see him, every time we casually pass each other in the hallways he makes a point to let me know he noticed me. Now I know this boy, by saying that I mean I know his name and have gone to previous schoolings with him, but we are not friends, we don't chat continuously, or even at all save it those few seconds of 'Hello' and an occasional 'How are you?' any other time he may as well be a total stranger.  

He is a charming kid, genuinely nice, good looking, an amazing singer, I have yet to meet anyone who knows him that doesn't like him. He goes out of his way to make life better for everyone around him. With gestures even as small as a friendly hello. Its incredible and inspring. It makes a very outward appearance of inward content with life. With those couple of seconds a day I feel like I really know him, not in the I know his favorite color but I know what kind of a person he is.

He is a good person who loves people and loves life.

He is so good and has shown me such kindness just by letting me know that I am important to him, enough to say hello to that it gets me wondering. Why isn't everyone like him? Are people naturally vain, jealous, and evil and people like him are the exception? The ones who rise above simple animalistic like instincts of dragging others down so you can stand taller. I feel like I would be a sad person if I had to view the world as primarily evil and filthy. I like to think that we are good, kind people and are corrupted when we allow things like vanity and jealousy and just plain evil infect our minds. Now if thats the case and we know that then why do so many of us give in to selfish, self pleasing ways? When one small act of kindness sets off such a chain reaction.
Its like KLM.
Why stop the movement? Why not start it?

He just got me thinking and gave me more hope that there are good people out there. 

The bigger picture

There are 7 billion people on the earth.

I am one of those 7 billion.

One. 

Just one person with a blessed life.

I have so many things to be grateful for. So many things others go without. Sure I have my trials, everyone does, but for mine to weigh more importance then others is silly. We each have trials to over come. It took one person two thousand miles away to make me recognize that. 

"I can tell you one thing, I only feel worthless or unimportant or sad or repetitive or frustrated when I am focused on myself. And I am most happy when I lose myself in helping others out or just simply talking to others. Happiness is others, and happiness is a choice. So why are you choosing to be unhappy?"

--Bruce

"Selfishness is only self-destruction in slowmotion."

I am far too worried about myself and issues pertaining to me. Too concerned with the low parts of my life that it is becoming so much harder to see it for what it really is. It is time to look at the bigger picture, time to emerse myself in others. Spend my time doing something worth while. Leave footprints in the hearts of people I serve instead of being self absorbed. 

Hopefully things will take on a much more upbeat tune in my life these following weeks. It's something I will be working on. 

Dedication

I'm fiercely dedicated to equestrian riding. 

There is nothing I want more then to be recognized as a successful, nationally decorated rider. Its something I am willing to do anything to achieve. I've trained long hours and given up so much to reach the point in my career where I am now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I push myself and my physical body to extremes to reach the skill level I desire. I change and mold the way I think, move, and react in search of perfection. 

My trainer says my legs are weak, I can't walk straight for weeks because of lower body work outs. I lose focus on one pattern, I spend days memorizing pattern book after pattern book. My equitation coach makes a comment about how my chest is too large for the hunter look, I double sports bras and duct tape to press them down until I can hardly breathe. Other riders criticize my riding, I push myself to prove them wrong. My trainer says I need drop fifteen pounds, I put myself on a strict diet and work out regimen until they are gone. 

There is nothing I wouldn't give to be the best. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind a voice whispers, 'is this too much?'

I can't help but to reply 'No.'

This is my life. I am willing to put my all into it. Not just for the recognition but for me, it's who I am. While working towards achieving this feeling of perfect stature every dedicated equestrian has battled the same type and degree of hardships as other athletes, if not more. The stress and pain that is felt is real, and it is amplified to impossible proportions while under the pressure of parents, trainers, judges, other riders, and of course yourself. You are constantly being told that there is someone else better than you. 

Even the best riders will taste the bitterness of defeat, whether that be because of a swapped lead or the judges personal preference, no one is ever always on top. This ever constant change is an emotional roller-coaster as you battle your way up the ladder of success, only to be knocked back down because the judge doesn’t like chestnuts. We push ourselves physically, constantly coming home with aching muscles and deep saddle sores. We train our bodies to forget that our ankles can only bend so much and we push them down harder, to pretend that our legs aren’t shaking and force them to be still, to ignore the knots wound so tightly in our backs and continue sitting up, to fool the judges into thinking that what we are doing is easy for us, and to remain calm and composed before a class of the toughest competitors in the nation and do it all of this and more with a smile on our face.

Equestrian riding is a team sport. My team includes my partner Patriot VF, a pure bred Arabian Hunter Pleasure horse.  He is more than my horse, he is my teammate.  Being equestrian athletes is more than the personal physical boundaries that are pushed; sometimes the emotional barriers have been as real and difficult to overcome as the physical.  There is more than just my own thoughts, my own feelings and emotions thrown into the pressures of this sport. There are two minds at work, two hearts, two bodies pushing themselves to their limits and then beyond to meet and share a common goal. Along with the feelings of accomplishment, triumph, and joy that are mutually felt between horse and rider, defeat, disappointment and sorrow are at times the toughest competitors. The emotional toll they take is outstanding, yet their weight seems lighter when shared through the bonds of horse and rider.  These feelings are kindled into a burning desire, a fiery strength and fierce determination when spurred on by the deep connection between the two.

For years I have pushed myself to endure the physical and emotional pressures of this sport, still, I was never considered an “Athlete” by my peers, teachers, or even other sports coaches in high school. I tried valiantly to show them the intensity level of riding. I would continually hear the phrases that are so familiar to equestrian riders, the “I’ve ridden a horse before, its not that hard.” or “All you do is sit there, the horse does all the work” and countless others. They used to infuriate me until I understood their ignorance in what they were saying. To the untrained eye, the look of simplicity is apparent, just as a professional dancer moves with seemingly effortless grace, as does the strength of an equestrian and their mount. The strain and labor is meant to go unseen, the truly great athletes of any sport convey the impression of ease. Although in any other sport the need to collaborate with a 1200 plus pound animal and remain hidden behind the veil of leisure and passivity is non existent. The lucid athletic ability is obvious to the riders themselves, despite being perceived as undemanding and elementary to ignorant or misinformed critics.

The basic point of this post being, I love riding. I am completely dedicated to it. There is nothing else in this word I would work as hard to obtain. I've spent a few days thinking about it, with show season a couple months away I am being pushed harder to get in shape, lose weight, and other things, I have had 'non horsey' people tell me I was crazy and I was starting to think so too until I spent a night with an equally as dedicated friend and realized this is what I love.

Its worth it to me.

Dear Elder

Its funny how happy a letter can make me.

I almost cried after receiving the mail today. There laying on top was the first thing to make me really smile in days. A white letter, my name and address scribbled on the front, then in the far left corner a sticker reading,

 Elder Peck

North Carolina Raleigh Mission

Its the best thing that could have happened today. Its what I needed. 

Some words of advice from someone who really makes sense. Who really understands me. Someone who I can spill my heart out to and he sorts it all out and hands it back to me. Someone who I miss more then anything. 

The words on the papers inside are truly inspiring. They are more then I could have hoped for in the situation I've been stuck in the past few weeks. The seemingly endless circle of sadness seems a bit brighter now. I've got reason to hold my head up a little higher. A reason to be the real me. 

His words never cease to amaze me. Never fail to bring a smile to myself. He's one of only a handful of people I am proud to be myself around. I would follow Bruce anywhere. I crave his advice, his voice, his sanity, his pure love for people, me included, its like a drug, something I don't think I will ever learn to live without. Something I refuse to think about losing. 

He gives me a reason to be happy. 

He is the reason I am happy now. 

"Happiness is others, and happiness is a choice." 

--Bruce Peck

679 more days.

I'm not having fun

Last week I spent an evening with one of my best friends. 

I've missed him, our lives have been so busy its been near impossible to spend time with each other. He took me out to a play, well I should say I was dragged along to his last minute theater assignment, but it was so typical of him. We talked almost the whole play, luckily it was Beauty and the Beast so at the very least BS'ing it and the paper shouldn't be too hard. I think we covered just about every topic out there. One that we really got stuck on was the fact that you always hear adults say Highschool and their teenage years were the best years of their lives. It was troubling to both of us seing as we only have one more year of these really, and to this point neither of us could look back on the years and deem them as "fun". 

"Frustrating", "Demanding", "Disappointing", "Stressful" where more of the words that came to mind. We are both working jobs, yes jobs, plural. We are both doing extra schooling. And we are both passionate about our sports. We have no time for a social life, except for the spare chances like that night or when I get a couple hours to spend with special people. Those almost make things worse, those couple hours away from everything make it so much harder to come back to every day life.

Is this how it's supposed to be? Is being an adult just so completely terrible that this time is great by comparison? No, I think we are doing something wrong.

The need for change has been long coming. I've been far too stressed out to maintain a healthy level of sanity. This isn't how things should be. Time for a new game plan. Now if I could figure out what that should be...

Are we doing what we want? Yes, I want to do what I am doing. I am working to fund my sports and my life really in general, I want to take on that schooling to better my future, I love my sport and wouldn't put anything but my whole heart into it. So yeah, I am doing what I want. So why am I not happy? Why can't I say these are the best days of my life?

I need to figure that out. 

Pain of mind

Pain of mind is worse then pain of body.

Feeling trapped inside yourself for any number of reasons is both terrifying and painful. 

Feeling ruled by emotions or obsessions is a battle I gear up for every day. Familiar feelings bubbling up inside, sometimes I let them, welcome them, they are constant, something I know will always be the same, other times I fight them, try in vain to push them out. It doesn't do much good other then to cover them with a thin sheet, still there, still bubbling. Still stabbing at me. 

No one understands it, I don't even. It makes thing incredibly difficult for me. Trying to explain what is going on in my mind. One trigger sets me off. The need for release from the anxiety. The few that try to help only make it worse, either over dramatizing it and making me feel like some sort of freak show or not giving it any recognition. I don't think I'll ever have someone to go to that understands.

These habits and routines have the unbelievable power to destroy. 

The relationships I am losing, pushing away, because of this, the opportunities missed... I can no longer count them on my hands. The numbers dance around in my head. One, two, three, four... 

It rules everything around me.