Friends, Water, and Trees

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your hearts. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs, and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thin in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life.

Here lately I have been finding out who my real friends are, high school is like the battle ground of friendships. I don't think anyone really makes it out unscathed. You learn who will fight for you and who is more comfortable leaving you by the way side. Its rough. I don't particularly enjoy watching my old friends drift away as I scramble behind trying to pick up the pieces. It's odd. I feel distant. Even from my best friends, they've found other groups that they fit into, other people that they choose to spend their time with, they are both chasing girls now, going on dates every weekend, I guess I've lost my novelty now that they can talk to girls without shaking in their boots. I'm beginning to find that out inside jokes are becoming stale, our old memories foggy. It feels like I am trying to hold water in my hands, no matter how tightly I squeeze my fingers together it still manages to trickle out. 

Why do things have to grow apart?

I guess its like branches on a tree. For the tree to be successful it has to split its branches they grow farther and farther away from each other, making the tree bigger and stronger. It still makes me sad though. I think I would still be happy if my little tree stayed little. 

I'm no good with this growing apart thing. 

Or saying goodbye. 

Amazing things in life

I've been depressed. I needed to write down the things in life that I still find amazing.

1. Coming home late and going straight to bed.

2. Going on a ridiculously long run without getting tired.

3. Running away with a great new thought.

4. That perfect ride.

5. Taking to someone who just gets it.

6. Buying new clothes you found on sale.

7. Being happy with the number on the scale.

8. Holding hands.

9. Crawling into a warm bed.

10. Unexpected moments that become my favorite memories.

11. Smiling.

12. Talking on the phone with someone til five in the morning.

13. Resting on someones chest and listening to their heart beat.

14. Taking long showers that wash away the worries.

15. Feeling like I finally belong somewhere.

16. Heart to hearts with someone that actually cares.

17. Falling asleep instantly when you are upset.

18. His voice.

19. Spending time alone with my horses. 

20. Meeting people who change your life.

21. When you have a great night of sleep.

22. Feeling accepted. 

23. A warm cup of hot chocolate.

24. When someone does something extra thoughtful.

25. Getting a new book.

26. Having a completely stress free day. 

27. Not being scared to come home after school.

28. Being home alone.

29. Baggy Tshirts, sweats, and messy ponys.

30. Really laughing.

31. Being truly happy.

32. Naps.

33. My dogs when I come home. 

34. His smile.

35. His laugh.

36. Him.

37. Feeling accomplished.

38. Jeans that fit just right.

39. Soft lips.

40. The Snooze button. 

41. Wearing the guys jackets.

42. Warm rain.

43. Talking on the phone with someone until you fall asleep.

44. When my hair works just right.

45. Super smooth legs.

46. When someone calls you out of the blue.

47. Blasting music when no one is home.

48. Only being at home when its time to go to sleep. 

49. When that person you really want to text you, texts you. 

50. Realizing everything is going to be okay.

I shouldn't want it to but I do

I've never been one to contemplate suicidal thoughts for anything more then the psychoanalytical part of my mind but lately the thought has been more appealing. Not that I actually think I would. I couldn't. Nor do I exactly want to. Just the idea of everything being done is nice, although so is a pause button for life. I am so stressed, I just don't show it the way people usually do. I don't ever want to break down and cry or completely freak out. I just shut down. I lose my drive for everything, I become sediment and unwilling. No one seems to understand this and just continues pushing me and pushing me. I feel like I am about to explode, like I'm right on the edge of that cliff, one tap would send me hurdling downwards but one tap doesn't do it. Unfortunately. Somehow I pull myself together, I don't let myself lose it like that. I think it makes it worse. Much, much worse. 

My self esteem is at an all time low, as well as my confidence. Things have never been this way for me, I have always been a confident girl. I'm insecure and upset all the time. My happy moments are becoming far and few between and even when they are there they feel wrong, like I don't deserve them. I don't feel like myself, I feel like the happy me just got up and left one day while I was sleeping and I pass her by on occasion but once she is gone I just feel more empty then before. Like someone has punched a hole through my chest. I ache, a dull lifeless ache. It eats at me none the less. I can hardly breathe at times. 

I don't understand what is wrong with me.

There are nights I sometimes hope I have the strength not to get out of my bed in the morning. I know that sounds backwards, but I am afraid to admit to anyone that I can't handle this. So I put on a strong face and drag myself from one thing to the next with my false mask. I wish I had the strength to tell someone, but I have been shot down by anyone I open up to about this, saying "You don't really feel like that, your just being dramatic." And things like that. It gets me thinking, am I just being dramatic? Then the feelings return and crush me with their weight until I can't move and I am back where I started. I know these things a real, I just don't know why they are happening to me. Why I feel this way.

Like I said, I have never thought of suicide as a way out before, I would never take that route, I have lost a dear friend to it. But the thought of everything just being done entices me.

 I know I shouldn't want it to, but I do. 

Love thyself

I wish people would always say everything that came to their minds.

It makes things a lot easier. Relationships with people a lot easier. At least I think so. 

I like knowing exactly what people are thinking. Some people filter their thoughts too much. It makes it hard to understand them and to read them. They become too closed off from everyone even if it doesn't seem like they really are. Keeping thoughts locked up like that becomes really tiring on a person and starts to pick at them. It is something I am working on doing less. I am having a hard time keeping everything so closed off from everyone. 

There is this guy I know and I cannot figure him out for the life of me. 

Almost every time I talk to him I feel like I end up spilling my life story just so I can get him to say one or two things about himself. It's a lot of work ha ha. He just doesn't talk about himself, he worries about everyone else before himself and its driving me insane. Not that it is a bad thing that he cares about other people, but how does that one thing go again? 

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Oh right. I feel like he doesn't like himself so he doesn't worry about how he is feeling as long as someone else is happy. He never wants to talk about how he is feeling and when I ask him about it he just closes himself off from me. Even when he does talk there isn't much said, or shared. I really do want to listen to his issues, I want to help him help himself. But I don't think he wants himself to be happy. It seems like he is punishing himself for something and won't let himself be happy. I'm not sure what to do with him. I wish I could read his mind. If he just spilt all of the thoughts he's having, I think things would get easier. At least I would know where I stood. 

Its just plain frustrating. If we would stop pushing our thoughts out of the way to make way for thoughts about what we should say, the would would be a lot better off. 

At least those are my thoughts. 

I don't know what I am doing

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.

Bear with me because this is going to be a jumbled mess of what is going on in my mind. 

I've always been one to know exactly where I am going in life and exactly what I want, but in these last few months I guess I have been confused. Not the right word exactly but it is as close as it is going to get for now. I don't know what I am doing. In everything. Maybe this is just a byproduct of what I have been feeling from the previous post but, wow. I have no idea what I am doing and that scares me. Scares me out of my mind. I don't know what is going on with me. Whats wrong with me. Why am I suddenly broken? 

I'm scared of school. Man am I scared of school. I am scared of not being able to make it. Not getting into a good college, not getting a degree, letting my dad down. Yet this fear isn't motivating me. It's swallowing me. I feel like I am drowning and I don't have the drive to fight back, I'm just letting myself sink. It sounds much more inviting. I don't know how to make myself feel that drive. So I keep sinking. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know how to help myself. Its scary. So instead I sit and think. And thinking scares me more. 

I'm scared of not living up to something. I'm scared that my riding, something I've worked harder on then anything in my life wont chalk up to be anything more then a hobby. That I'll never be on top, I'll never get to the point I am constantly working to. No matter what people say about the working man succeeds, I have seen more then my fair share of hard working people work so hard at something they love, put every ounce on energy into it and die without making it to that point they worked their whole life to make it to. That rocks my strength, beats it down and crushes hope. I'm scared that it will never be anything worth while. 

I'm scared of doing something wrong. My parents are very controlling. They monitor everything I do, make me feel like the very thought of rebelling is a major rebellion in itself. So much so that I can't tell what is really rebellion and what is normal behavior. I am scared to ask for anything, to have the car, to go out with friends, so my immediate response is to just assume the answer is no and then feel like crap if I do it or stay at home and do nothing. (Then be scolded for being lazy) My parents assume that whatever other parents kids are doing I am doing as well. My mother hears her friends daughter, who I am no way involved with, is sending out nudes to guys = my phone is confiscated and all messages are read and the immediate removal of my screen lock password is called for. My brother (who is a cop) pulls over some kids my age and they are all high on spice and tells my parents = I am no longer allowed to carry my pain killers for my back and knees with me. My dad hears about alcohol being served for the adults and a barn party = I can never be around those people again. My mother is told about a friends daughters older boyfriend who was not such a great guy = My boyfriend being labeled the same and I am forbidden to see him again. 

This happens so frequently that I am scared to do anything. Take the phone for an example, I have nothing to hide on my cell phone. Nothing I should be worried about them finding but I'm terrified of it when they take it every night to check my messages and whatever else they do. Seriously terrified. I can't sleep sometimes because of it. Handing it in at night has become one of the worst feelings ever. I can feel them judging me. They don't trust me. At all. 

I'm scared to speak up, tell them how I am feeling. My dad has this nasty habit of yelling, he yells until I just can't handle it any more. I used to fight back, yell and scream, that would get me hit and yelled at more. Then I turned to just breaking down, crying and shaking, that didn't stop it either. So now I just sit and think. Try to hold my obsessive compulsions in that are triggered from the contention, I know if they show they will only get me in trouble. So I sit. And think. Try to block out the words just enough so I can still follow what he is saying but mask some of the emotion. BUT this is another topic entirely. Point being I am scared to say what I am feeling so I hold it in. Which scares me more. It's just sitting in there turning into somethings bigger then what it started as. 

It never seems go go away. I try to fix it, but I don't know how. I don't know what I want, I don't know how to get there, I don't know what I am doing with my life. 

I'm scared. I don't know what I am doing.  

A lack of importance

I've been feeling like I'm walking in circles, in life. 

Things feel robotic and I am finding nothing new. I am running into the same problems and meeting troubles on the same paths I took to avoid them. I'm feeling plain and unimportant in the lives of others, like I feel like I am a cog moving separately from the rest of the machine. There, but not making a big enough difference to matter if I was there or not. Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling depressed or unwanted, just not exactly important. Like it wouldn't matter if I went away, nothing in life would be altered. Does that make any sense? I know who I am and why I am here, but it seems like I'm in the wrong place, like a fish dropped in the desert. A perfectly good fish that would serve its purpose if it was in a pond but completely lost and useless in the middle of a desert.

I'm just not sure where to go now. 

Ignorance is bliss

"Ignorance is bliss."

I would have to disagree. 

Wow. Breathe. 

I don't understand how people can be happy living in ignorance. How can you stand not knowing, how can you just listen to something some one says and accept it as truth. What happened to looking, and finding things out for yourself? Testing waters, making mistakes, learning. Ignorant people make me sick, not people who are ignorant in the fact that they don't know yet, but the people who don't want to know. The people who purposely turn a blind eye because they can't handle thinking past elementary learning, or aren't open minded enough to realize there is a world outside their little bubble. What is up with that? 

What in the world is holding you back? Are you, for lack of a better word, stupid? Do you like being stupid? There are some people who are afraid to go out into the waters of thought and explore, for fear that they will fall off the edge. Those people I just want to grab by the shoulders and scream,

The world is round!

Some people are unteachable, nothing you can say will steer them off their path. They know extreme basics and anything new is instantly rejected. I know this sounds very extreme but I know many people like this, Hell bent in their own ways. My Uncle being one of them. Now, I would not jump on a family member like this usually, but when one tells me they will not allow their daughter to study biology in school because "evolution does not exist" I feel like I am allowed to call them stupid. I'm sorry sir, but evolution is happening, call it a "theory" all you want but until you have a better explanation then "Adam and Eve 'poofed' here", I'm with Darwin on this one.  

Also people who will sit and correct me, tell me I am wrong, then when I ask why they have no explanation. Well then, how exactly do you know I am wrong then? I am not opposed to learning. If you know I am wrong and can back up your reasoning I will listen. I guess this comes from growing up with a brainiac for a father. My dad is a genius. Any question I had when I was younger, BAM, answer. And not just an answer, facts, places I could go to learn for myself, things I could research. Heck with a couple PhD's to his name I could just about research him. This made me the person I am today. A person thirsty for knowlage, who won't settle with not knowing and can't understand how other people can. 

I was the little girl who wanted to be a paleontologist, I would sit with my dad and listen to him read text books on this stuff, then I wanted to be a geneticist, but not just a geneticist, a molecular geneticist like my dad, then on to a psychologist, then a million other things and I am still wrapped up in the world of science, focusing on Neuroscience. I couldn't even dream of being half of these things without wanting to know. Without abandoning self imposed ignorance. 

Just think of how much this world could accomplish if we just thought.

Think about that. 

Liar liar pants on fire

Lying is something I've never really been good at. 

I'm not entirely sure if that is a good thing or bad. Don't get me wrong.

 I could probably think up a pretty good story if my life depended on it, but other then that I am not the most talented liar. I think its difficult for anyone to be dishonest to someone they care about, I mean unless you were a psychopath, but thats something different entirely. I stumble over seemingly easy fibs though, I stutter and over act, I'm am sure I look completely ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. Lying is such a task. People who can lie easily kind of scare me. To put it quite plainly.

But what if you're lying to protect someone else?
Does that make it okay?
This, I've done lately, not well exactly, but done none the less. I am not lying to hurt anyone, just to keep someone else out of trouble. But, it still doesn't feel good. I feel like I need to take a long hot shower with lots of soap to get the scummy feeling off of me. Then after one or two of these lies I start to have a hard time keeping things straight and remembering who knows what about what. It kills me eventually either way.

So why am I lying?
Not sure.
Is honesty the best policy? Maybe.
Yeah.. Probably.

Simple answers, but that makes it so much more complicated. 

11:11

Is wishing silly?

Wish -- Verb:

To feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; to want something that cannot or probably will not happen.


Ouch.
I wish all the time. 
Anyone who knows me know, 
I have timers on my phone for 11:10, 
(one minute ahead so I have time to think of a great one) 
I am constantly on the look out for shooting stars, 
(I have impeccable luck at spotting them) 
I take blowing out birthday candles seriously, 
(I spend the whole day thinking of the perfect one) 
I stop at every wishing well,
(I've probably tossed more pennies into those things then I can count) 
and I will fight over the wish-bone on turkey day. 
(I seriously have to stop myself from pouting when they give it to the younger grandchildren) 


Now logically I know wishing isn't really doing me any good, but there is still that little child in there that thinks its the best way to get things done. I also believe in luck. I pick up pennies and look for four leaf clovers, I even wear certain things religiously when entering competitions. Again, logically, not doing me much good. 


Except for the psychological end of it. 
When I believe that making that wish or wearing that necklace under my riding coat is improving what I have already worked towards, I believe that I am sending out good thoughts and feelings and I truly thinks that gets things done.
 Of course with a dab of good old fashion hard work.


So I will continue wishing.

Walking alone

Why do we hide things from people?

Lately I've been frustrated with myself. I've been holding things in a taking on things alone, when I know my friends would help me in a heart beat. I've also been scared to bring things up. Things that are just eating away at me, things that need to be said and aired out with certain people. 

But instead I hide. I hide what I'm thinking and mask my emotions and feelings. I think I am afraid to be shot down, or look dumb, or even crazy. I guess the people, or person, I want to talk to should be one that wont judge me, or care. Still, in the back of my mind there is something holding me back, telling me that I will sound crazy if I bring it up, or that they will take offense and be upset with me. I am trying to work around that and say what I am feeling anyway, but then I remember that even the people I trust and love have shot me down and taken offense. 

Somethings are better left unsaid.

I guess. 

I speak my mind. I want people to know how I feel about things. I am not a hard person to read, what you see is what you get. I know they know I am struggling, they ask what they can do, or what is wrong, but their voice sounds condescending, or judgmental. They don't really want to know whats wrong. Or they would have listened the first time, right? The first time I brought it up, when I was really hurting. They are just following the social norm, what is to be expected. 

I may be over reacting, reading something into something that is not really there. I've felt trapped by these thoughts and feelings and having no one to turn to because the people who have been there for me before are now uninterested, it's not a great situation for me. 

Some of the things I want to air out may not be the easiest things to talk about but it's stuck there, in my head, festering and frustrating me to the point of insanity. With no one who will listen.

I am scared to talk to the people that I need to listen.

So the one person that has yet to shoot me down or get upset with me for the way I think is 2,193 miles away.

709 more days. Bruce I miss you more then words can say. 

Update

Today my dad returned home from the ICU. 

He is doing well and resting up. 

Things are looking to be a full recovery.