Useless emotion

Anticipation is an emotion I think I could live without.

That moment right before you jump, when all the balls are in the air, when you know something is coming, not necessarily what, only that something is. It makes my gut ache and my fingers tingle, when I am not sure whether to hold my breath or to empty my lungs and scream. It's probably why I am not one for suspense movies. I would rather things just be told to me, I don't want things to be beat around the bush. I want my questions to an answered with answers, not another question, or worse, complete silence. 

Anticipation leaves room for doubt, unreasonable or unexplainable feelings of guilt, it separates your sanity from within and plays tricks on it. It can shake even the strongest of confidence. Somewhere in the silence of that moment you realize you don't know what your doing, no matter the time or lack there of spent in preparation. A moment where you hope for the best and expect the worse. When you can't decide whether to lift your hands to your face and brace for impact or to square your shoulders and raise your chin in assurance. 

I like to consider myself an optimist. I look for the best in every situation, even in times riddled with anticipation my hope for the best out weighs any expectations of the worst. But optimism takes a lot from someone, it has to be worked my a muscle, and flexed tightly when needed. When it isn't used it becomes weak, and easily tires. When the feelings of anticipation carry on without resolution the optimism shakes, stuggles to bare the weight. With out resolve it will eventually break down, succumb to  the doubt. 

That sounds very optimistic of me now doesn't it? I guess I am just getting to the point where my optimism is beginning to shake, tiring and unable to continue to flex under the pressure. Needless to say I am ready for a release, I'm ready to move on from this cross road. I tend not to do well when a future that directly affects me is not under my control. The decisions of others make me wary. My obsession with the control, or more specifically the outcome create concerns. The anxiety sets in and clouds my reason.

All in all anticipation is an emotion I would do away with if given the chance. I guess is the point I am trying to get across in the ramblings of this post. I find it to be an unnecessary and frustrating emotion.