Monster

Everything is so loud.

Like every person on earth is shouting. The noise rings in my ears, and destroys any previous concentration. I feel like I am sitting at the bottom of a ocean, the weight of everything around me crushing me. I struggle to hold my breath, clear my mind, I'm looking for a way out, but my lungs are burning, my mind is foggy. I'm desperate for anything. I curse myself for not knowing something as simple as knowing how to swim, again it's my fault I'm here. It always is. It's my fault I'm slipping away.

This place is worse then the cliff, the cliff is out in the open, it's quiet, almost peaceful compared to this. Here it's dark, thousands of voices shouting and I still feel alone. The weight pushing down on me, taking the last of my air. I can feel myself slipping and I'm half hoping it would just take me faster, submerge me into unconsciousness where I could no longer hear the noise. Thats when he comes, the monster who whispers lies into my ears. The one I thought was so far gone he had no hopes of returning. I should not have kid myself, I know him too well. I can feel him grinning into my neck as I accept this. Then I realize he's been there this whole time, whispering to me amongst the noise. I cringe as he speaks, already knowing the worlds he will use before he says them. My voice in my head intermingling with his. I try to shake him off, another desperate attempt at escape, push him back into that hole I thought I had so carefully imprisoned him. To my surprise he goes willingly, slinking back into that pit.

I begin to relax, it became quiet when he left. Quiet is good. My thoughts begin to clear, my lungs no longer burning. Cleaver answers to my problems coming together. I can see the light from the surface, hope rises from my chest. Then as quickly as he left he is back. I shudder expecting his hot breath in my ear, but I feel nothing. He speaks again. I know he is here, I can hear him plain as anything, again he speaks, his voice no longer a whisper. I shut my eyes tight and clutch my sides as to protect myself. And again he growls I can tell he is inches from my face. My eyes snapping open I recognize the face I see before me. 

Her lips turning up in a familiar sickening smile. 

This was not the monster I was expecting, but the monster I always knew was there. I stand face to face with my reflection, clear as a mirror before me. She opens her mouth to speak and I feel myself feeding her the words, watching her lips move in identical patterns to mine. I stop and reach up to touch my own lips, and she waits, hands at her sides. I begin to shake, wishing I had slipped away earlier. She smiles again at me, not in kindness but in greed. I lift my arm to swing, throwing my all my strength into it, my fist connects where I planned. The split second I expected to meet flesh, soft and moveable, is washed away as my knuckles meet glass. She shatters into a million pieces that decorate the floor. Blood from my hand drips down, falling onto the shards of glass. I will myself not to look, not to let my eyes stray to the ground, to peer into the reflections scattered about, but I can't help myself. I step forward to a clean piece and lower my chin. There she is, staring back at me. Her large eyes a flame, hair falling beautifully passed her shoulders, small upturned nose, she was me, minus all of my flaws. She was perfect. All except that manic smile still slapped across her face and even then she was beautiful with perfectly formed lips, smooth and red. She notices my fixation and laughs, its shrill and cuts into my ears. I kick the glass, sending it flying across the floor but I can still hear her echoing inside my head.

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I am awakened by my own struggling, the blankets tangled about me, wrapping me tighter, the darkness of my room adding to the claustrophobia, they remind me of the water and I shove them off me. I am sweating and my heart feels as though its about to burst through my chest. My hair disheveled and matted to my face. I'm still shaking as I pull my knees up and burry my face. My chest tightens as I try to hold in the tears, but they still build up and spill over without my permission. 'I'm alone now,' I tell myself, 'no one needs me to be strong here.' As if on cue I loose all sense of control, the tears coming in floods now and I let them. I let them until there is nothing left, then I lay back down shaking still, this time from a mixture of what was before, pure exhaustion, and now as my body has cooled, the cold air. I am tempted to reach for a blanket but decide against it remembering the mess they encased me in before. Closing my eyes I know I wont fall back asleep, so I listen to the silence.