Short

So it's been a few days. My apologies. 

This morning I had a rude awakening to how fragile life is.

This morning, while out at the pasture with my horses, my dad had a heart attack.

I can't say it was the scariest moment of my life. Not even close. I even thought about the fact that it was strange how calm I was while speeding home with him to get my mom to go to the hospital. There was no surge of adrenaline, or even panic. I didn't feel much different then how I felt minutes before he alerted me of the pain in his chest. Truthfully I was more worried about him getting mad at me for clearly speeding down a residential area. Even at the first hospital, where he was given morphine and had other tests run to confirm that he was having a heart attack, or when he was emergency rushed to Utah Valley Hospital and then into emergency surgery. I was calm. Strange right?

I knew I should be panicked, and worried. Thats how most people would have reacted.

 Even my older brothers were crying in front of their wives. I am close to my dad, so it would have been expected to be a bit shaken up. Instead I felt myself faking those emotions, to the point where they almost felt real, but in the back of my mind I knew I was making myself feel them because that was what was expected. It was a weird limbo. One of my dear friends Shelby Hughes lost her Step Father earlier this year and was incredibly understanding with all of this. I couldn't have asked for a better shoulder to lean on. Even though the typical emotions weren't necessarily being felt, having someone there was more then appreciated. 

In all of this there was still that feeling that this could end at any second. 

Even after he was pronounced stable and things were looking up I was still thinking about the fact that an artery had been 100% clogged and he could have died at any second. It wasn't a panicked thought, just something I was thinking about. 

Death isn't something we can stop. And I'm not sure that bothers me.

Life is short. 

Lives end and begin every second. 

I love my dad, and I would have been more then crushed to lose him today. 

I am thankful things are cautiously optimistic and can't wait for him to be released from the ICU in a couple of days.

Live life to its fullest. Make mistakes. Learn new things. Love everyone and trust a few. Keep love moving. And keep moving forward.

I'm happy

Have you ever been so happy and thought how does life get any better then this? 

There are a few things in life that make me this happy, and then there are a million things in life that make me slightly less happy then that. Such as Nutella, and Cafe Rio house dressing. Yum. Or when your hair is just perfect the whole day, or that guy you've been crushing on puts a winky face in his text, and just little things in life that make you go, "Yes! There is a God.". Those are awesome. 

But really, ever had those "There is no way my life will ever get better then this exact moment." moments? Ever had those so frequently that you begin to question if its healthy? I'm addicted to them. Let me put it this way, I am so happy when I am with the person/people who make me feel this way, or doing the thing that makes me feel like that, that sometimes I am just living life from moment to moment and not really focusing on life in between. For example equestrian riding is my life. I eat, sleep, and breathe horses. Nothing on earth makes me happier. Almost every time I ride I get those, "There is no way my life will ever get better then this exact moment." moments. Every time I have one of those perfect rides I'm on cloud 9. It's great.
(Link to a past english assignment I wrote that better explains my riding -- I have confidence)


Not only do things and activities make me happy but certain people do as well. There are people that just mesh with my personality so brilliantly well its scary. They make me smile so much my cheeks hurt and laugh until I feel a six pack coming on. They make feel perfectly sane while doing the most insane things and will usually join right in. They take promises seriously and keep all my secrets. Just being around them I am instantly happy. No matter what we are doing.

I love these people.

I could go on and on about the things that make me that happy, but I think I might save that for another time. The point is there are things in my life that make me happy. Super happy. I wouldn't give them up for the world. I've just been giving them some thought lately, I'm a happy person. I love life and find joy in it everyday. These things are just the cherry on top of my sunday of life, well no, not really as I don't particularly like cherries, or sundays. More like the creamy house dressing to my Cafe Rio Salad or the spoon fulls of Nutella at the end of a day. Yeah thats better.

Keep Moving Forward

A great man once said, 

"When you stop, the world keeps moving forward. The instant you become idle you are going backwards." --Bruce Peck

This man is rather short, with fire-engine red hair and, a head big enough to fit the world into. He is one of the most amazing, inspiring people I've ever met. I've mentioned him before and I am sure he will come up again. Like I stated in a previous post Bruce looks at things differently. He sees things other people just pass over. Just a quick chat with him left me feeling that much better off. It is simply amazing to say the least. Bruce is a guy who is constantly moving forward, constantly progressing, constantly learning, and puts his whole into everything. I've never met anyone like him, but I think everyone needs a friend like Bruce. 

Bruce has these sayings, quotes, I call them Bruceisms. I have a notebook full of them. This one in particular hit me hard. A good kind of hard. Its something people my age don't really think about, and I don't think most people in general do either. But its become my philosophy in life. It's my moto, something that makes sense when nothing else does.

Keep Moving Forward


Bad day?
Keep moving forward.
 Bad week?
 Keep moving forward.
 Bad month?
Keep moving forward.
Bad year?
Keep moving forward. 


The dictionary says it best I think,
Keep: Verb --to continue in an action
Moving: Verb --to advance or progress
Forward: Adjective --directed towards a point in advance

"To continue and progress towards a point in advance." There is just so much I could write about this. This phrase applies to everything I can think of, think about it.  

Love all, trust a few

There comes a point in everyones life, where you have to put your trust in someone.

Whether you easily trust or are a bit more wary no one goes through life without trusting someone.

Even if that someone is only themselves. 

Sometimes one only one left to trust is your shadow, who else has never left your side? No matter the opposing force. Anyone who can do that, deserves my trust. Trust is so important to me, I view it as if your not someone that can be trusted by anyone you are not putting enough into anything. Trust is one of the hardest things to gain and the easiest to lose. An image of a hard working person to me is not one with a nail and hammer, it is one who works to be trusted. 

The way I see it is every relationship you ever have, Trust, or the lack there of, is involved. You either trust someone or you don't. There are no gray areas that I can see. Trust is not something that should be taken lightly, when I trust someone the last thing I want is to be proven wrong. I don't trust a lot of people, but when I first meet someone I give them the benefit of the doubt. I hope for the best in them and view a person in that light until they prove me wrong. At that point it is very hard to climb back up that ladder. 

Trust though, is different. Its not something I hand out willy nilly. Its something thats gained, its something thats earned through time and true actions. It can take years to build trust and seconds to destroy it. I think of it as a house of cards. A BIG house of cards. I don't know if you've ever tried to make one of those things, but dang... It takes a willing person with a lot patience to carefully stack those cards higher and higher, then with the slightest breeze or slip of the hand the entire thing comes crashing down. Then once its gone its much harder to pick up and do again. The bit of confidence you had before is now gone. Back to my image of a hard working person, that person takes pride in his houses of cards, he doesn't step aside when prospects of untrustworthy acts come along to destroy his work. He fights to defend them. 

Trust is that important. It should be that important, if it isn't, is the rest of life?

Pity Parties

I consider myself to be a pretty nice person.

I don't go out of my way to make someone feel bad or hurt someone, I don't see how people can do that to others. It kind of makes me feel sick inside thinking about the state of mind you would have to be in to purposely hurt someone, physically or emotionally. I just don't get it. 

(Which makes me start to think about the debate on human nature.. but before I get off topic-) 

But one of the things that really gets me frustrated is listening to pity parties. I will listen to people talk when they are upset, because everyone needs that ever once and a while. Everyone needs a little extra support from time to time, but when it starts to become an every day thing, when it turns into a way to get attention and just to get attention, it crosses the line. I can't stand it. It takes my support, something I willingly and happily give and betrays my trust. I honestly feel used when I have to listen to one. 

When people tell me they have problems I try my best to help them out, give them my opinions and let them talk it out, then when they come back to me and want to talk about the same thing I want to hear something has changed, that they are putting forth some sort of effort to change and grow from whatever trial they were experiencing. Not the same old story. Little life hint: Nothing comes from nothing. Thee end. If you are not willing to put forth the effort to try to help yourself, don't be surprised when nothing changes. Now these people who come to me are good people, they are nice and kind people. I enjoy their company. They are my friends. At times while they are going on and on about how no one likes them, or they have no confidence, or this or that happened to them, I can't tell whats real and whats just an act for attention. When it happens that often there is a problem. 

Their cry of wolf tends to fall on deaf ears. 

I want to shake them and get it through to them that these pity parties are, in all honesty, waisting both of our time. I don't want to listen to you whine about your "rough" life and you are doing nothing to gain that attention your seeking. If you have a problem, please, PLEASE come to me. Tell me about it. Let me help or at least be a vent for some emotions. I want to know whats really bothering you. I want to help you with whatever I can. But as soon as it becomes more then an honest cry for help, you let me down. 

So please, stop inviting me to your pity parties. 

I want

Does the feeling of want ever go away? 

And when you get what you want, why do you want more? 

Was what you wanted no longer good enough?

Was it ever really as good as it seemed?

 Is the novelty gone now that its yours? 

Can we ever be happy with what we have, or must we constantly want?

Last night I was thinking (surprise surprise), about want, and wanting. It seems like 

as soon as you get something you've wanted you're almost instantly lusting after something else.  A "this is nice, but whats next" attitude. Its like a camp fire, when you first light that fire you give it a decent amount of wood to consume, when it begins to burn through that wood you are forced to feed it more or let it burn out. When you don't have a large supply of wood at hand you have to find that wood while the fire is consuming the wood before it. You are working hard to find this wood and the fire just keeps using up the wood its already received and unless you continue to give it the wood that it wants it will lose its flame and die. That fire can never gain the same amount of satisfaction from the wood it has already had so it searches for more.  

It drives me crazy. I know I've done it, and I see others do it as well. Is it human nature to be nothing more then a fire consuming what we want and then moving on to the next big thing? I don't think I will elaborate in this post what exactly I was thinking of last night, I may save it for another time, but I really could not help but to wonder how we can go from wanting and craving something so badly, to getting it and realizing you never really wanted this, you wanted what you would want after obtaining this.  It's a never ending cycle of want. It never ends. 

Will having enough ever be enough? 

Now, although I have portrayed the cycle to be a not so good thing I also think it can be a very good thing. The "Want Cycle", as I am going to call it is what keeps me wanting to know more. What I know now will never be enough, I won't ever know enough. I'm not even sure my brain has the capacity to hold everything I want to know, but I am going to continue feeding my fire for knowledge until I die. So in at least that way,

 I will never have enough.  

KLM

I am a high school student, I have to deal with everything that comes along with that.

Your social relations in high school are everything, whether your a clique type of person or one who jumps around from group to group. Everyone either has friends or doesn't. The social relations in high school are what fuel everything, sports, clubs, the pecking order in the commons at lunch. There are two kinds of people on top, the people who others genuinely enjoy to be around and there are others, the stereotypical manipulative "popular" people. It has confused me why people spend time with this latter group. I guess so many people want to be on top so badly they will associate themselves with anyone to get there. I've never understood it. I couldn't bring myself to push others down to get to the top, because once they realize what you really are, they are going to move and you won't have anyone to stand on anymore.  

"To burn a bridge you have to light a fire"

We've all burned bridges, we've all fought with someone. I know I have. Until I met Bruce Peck, this boy changed the way I look at life. After forming a friendship with Bruce I opened up to him and I trusted him. He thinks differently then everyone else, he forms his own opinions and lives his own way. He is also one of the most true to himself, friendly, happy people I know. Bruce has life figured out. I am comfortable around him, I could be myself and not worry that he was judging me. Bruce loves everyone, once he is friends with someone he would never turn his back on them. He would never be the one to light the fire. If a fight was had he willingly forgave and continued loving that person. His arms are always open, if they wanted to walk away he would let them, but he would wait and if they ever wanted to rebuild that bridge he was there to help them. This was something I was not used to. Prior to meeting Bruce I did not think people who thought this way existed passed Jesus Christ and his teachings in the bible. He opened up a new door, showed me a different point a view to life. We didn't need to be so concerned about getting to the top and more about how many people we could take there with us. 

KLM, keep love moving. My two best friends, Raymond and Hayden taught me that saying after taking me out for my birthday. It stuck with me. If everyone understood the power of love the world would be a much happier place. Anger, resentment, and envy take humanity as a whole no where but down. One act of kindness, one smile, could travel the world if it was spread. Love is like an infection. If one person has it for another it grows and gets stronger, spreading quickly. If you witness an act of kindness, pass it on.  Keep it moving. 

Drowned out the hate with a smile. 

I think I think too much

I am a thinker. I genuinely love to think.
One idea gets me started and within minutes that one idea has evolved into a mass of new ideas and concepts. Thinking gets me excited. I push myself to think in different and creative ways. It's like a drug to me, I crave it. The search for more knowledge is like a game I am constantly playing and refuse to put down. The more I know the more I know I don't know, it keeps me going. Keeps me thinking and exploring. I think about everything, form opinions and new ideas. It's fun for me. Thinking is something I am passionate about, I have strong opinions and beliefs, I enjoy being interested and understanding things that are not common knowledge.

There is so much to life.

 Everything is changing, constantly moving in one direction or the other.
Sometimes its hard to keep up with it all. Some people don't even bother, they are content with their life as they live it and only involve themselves in the things that directly involve them. They hardly ponder thoughts such as "What if.." or "Why.." they are happy in life without knowing so they never delve deeper into what they don't know. In some ways I don't understand how anyone could live like that, in other ways I envy them. Sometimes I wish my mind had an off button or at least one for auto-pilot, so I could just coast for a time without having to analyze every thought that reaches my conscious. Yet honestly I don't think could never be happy without knowing. My mind is on over drive, it never takes a break. Sometimes I get so consumed by a thought that I can hardly function. I analyze everything, then I over analyze and analyze my over analysts. My train of thought is hardly chugging along a straight and plain track, it barrels down twisting and jagged routes, jumping cars to separate tracks, spinning and reversing, ever-moving. My mind is buzzing like a radiator, not always in the limelight but never the less always there. It's the background music to my life. At times I've tried to tune it out, but as soon as I think it's gone it kicks up again.

My opinions may differ from conventional thinking, but I think that is what makes life so perfect.