Spinning

What messes us up most in life is the picture in our head of how things are suposed to be. 

Sometimes things don't go according to plan, sometimes we fall and get hurt, get scratched up and bruised, and the world just keeps on spinning. Sometimes things get in the way of things we want, sometimes things are taken away from us, and the world just keeps on spinning.

See the world doesn't care when we fall, or things are taken from us. The world has one goal, to continue its journey around the Sun. It's constant, ever moving. The world isn't predisposed with a "Once upon a time... Happily ever efter" story line. The bad guys aren't always easy to spot, Prince Charming isn't always perfect, and sometimes the shoe doesn't fit. You can't expect to sit in your tower and wait to be rescued, then be bothered when Prince Charming decides the princess down the road is just as cute. You have to go out and act, not be acted upon.

When you think you've got life figured out is when the twists are thrown into your story, either nothing happens at all or everything happens at once. That's where my story is right now, I'm still reeling from the last punch when I get hit with another. I'm just getting to the point where I don't think I can handle one more hit. When all I can think is "This wasn't supposed to happen to me/him/her/us/them."And the world just keeps on spinning.

I can't help but be frustrated at the fact that my life doesn't match the picture I have in my head of what I think it should be like. I'm not saying I expected a fairytale but I did expect the good guys to win. 

Gone

Wow. Another gone. Another life taken too soon.

I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I don't understand. I can't fathom a darkness so black that you can't find the way out... I don't understand why you would let yourself get so far lost. So much death in just two months. On December 31st. 2011 I could have never guessed 2012 would be this hard. I wish things weren't like this, I wish they all could have been helped. I wish the drugs and other addictions didn't take over their lives, I wish they could have seen who they really were. I wish they could have known what they meant to everyone around them. I wish they were still here.

I wish they weren't just another statistic. 

It makes me physically sick to think about it. 

Rest in Peace

Vance - Micah - Jake

Love

Valentines Day was yesterday. It's my favorite holiday of the year. 

Yes it is very commercialized and people spend way to much money every year on it, on flowers, and chocolates, jewelry, and tacky teddy bears. 189 million stems of roses are sold every year on February 14th and it's second to Christmas in card purchases. I don't look at Valentines Day as a comercial holiday though, it's not a day to show people how much you love them either, that something that should be done everyday.

 I think Valentines Day is a day to just celebrate love, in general. That's why it is my favorite, it's a day to celebrate love and the freedom to love everyone around you. No one can tell you who to love, or where, or why, or when to love, that's something that is completely your own. Call me crazy but I really like the story of Saint Valentine and the solders of Claudius the II and the blind jailers daughter, be it fact or fiction or some sort of mix. That wasn't a story of a day of love, but a celebration of it for a life time and beyond.

 Signed your Valentine.

Now being an aspiring neuroscientist I understand the chemicals (and lack there of) and neurotransmitters responsible for "love". ie; adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopression, endorphins, and others. It's all about how the neuro network interacts. It's how we were programed, it's something that can almost be predicted and possibly will be in the future. Being in love is almost like having a mental illness, the lack of serotonin for example is very similar to how your brain reacts in someone who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Yep thats right, being in love can trigger obsessive thoughts and feelings similar to the obsessive and compulsive acts and feelings of OCD. 

Most people would say love is an emotion, I would have to disagree, I believe love is a motivation. I think there are emotions in love, such as euphoria, even stress and anxiety, but love is that driving force, it is a constant core feeling. It influences our every move, the other person becomes a goal in life. Love is the motivation. Love is a basic survival technique, its natures own reward system. 

Tired

I'm tired of feeling alone.

I'm tired of being looked down at.

I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of being stuck in this rut.

I'm tired of remembering the bad.

I'm tired of being angry.

I'm tired of not being able to let go.

I'm tired of missing people.

I'm tired of being over looked.

I'm tired of being pushed aside because I'm different.

I'm tired of feeling insane.

I'm tired of growing up.

I'm tired of being insecure.

I'm tired of not being good enough.

I'm tired of holding myself back. 

I'm tired of being quiet. 

I'm tired of losing people.

I'm tired of not being myself. 

I'm exhausted.

I need to take a nap and change my attitude. 

Brothers

I'm in serious need of a night out (or in) with my boys. 

Halo, Jelly beans, and Nesquik chocolate milk. No drama, no questions, no problems, just me and my two best friends killing aliens, or a late night drive up to the rodeo grounds to do doughnuts and sneak up on people making out in their cars. I need an intense game of apples to apples, or a laugh till you cry conversation. I want a night to just be relaxed, sweat pants, messy hair and all.

 I want to smile actually because I want to smile, not just because someone expects me to. 

I want a "No girls allowed" night, just me and the guys, because as Raymond puts it, 

"Jerusha doesn't count as a girl.." 

I need a night where I can pride myself with that statement and not try to be perfect, not be afraid to be the tomboy with witty remarks. I can do that with them. They are my most loyal friends, they are my best friends, they are my brothers. They don't judge, and even though they are dumber then bricks sometimes they've never hurt me. 

They've stood by me on even some of my most stupid decisions, and I've been dragged along to many of theirs. 

Sometimes it's the stupidest decisions that make the best stories.

And memories, ones I think about a lot.

 It's time to make some more I think. 

Lists

Sometimes I write things on my "to-do" lists that I've already done, just so I can check them off. Makes me feel accomplished and progressing when there are much more daunting things adorning the list. It also helps when I get sidetracked, that way I can still come back to it and be like,

"Hey look at all these checks, these definitely justify all that time I just wasted doing random unnecessary things."

That way I don't have to think about the giant tasks still checkless for a little longer. 

Unfortunately those tasks are zooming into view quite rapidly and I am being forced to deal with them now. Ugh, one foot in front of the other. I feel like I need one of those famous inspirational speeches just to get me out of bed in the morning, maybe I will look into making one my alarm because seriously it's a task. I should be able to check "Get out of bed" off my check list every morning. 

The latest distractions are becoming much more distracting as of late as well. No longer is the cuteness of my adorable dog persuading me from the task at hand but much more serious, time consuming, brain conundruming (Someone call webster dictionary, that needs to be a word) distractions. Ones that even are just making me feel pushed down to my knees in inadequacy, it's becoming more frustrating than when you put your headphones in your pockets and they some how manage to tangle themselves into un-untangleable (Look at all these new words) knots in 2.5 seconds. Or when you you can't find the pair to a sock after washing them when you know for a 100% fact that you put them in the together, its like,

"What the firetruck? My dryer eats socks!" 

Then you're left wondering where that other sock is for weeks..

 Yeah, that frustrating. 

Grr. 

Maybe sleep will help focus my mind. 

Strangely enough February is just not a good month for sleep it is proving this year and last. Too many things on my mind, again, and again I wish I had an off button for my brain.