May 19th is the first time in a long time where everything just stopped.
My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, my train of thought came to a screeching halt. The world could have ended right then and there and I don't think I would have noticed. I couldn't even hear anything past the pounding in my ears. I didn't even make to to him before I started breaking down.
When I snapped to my senses and could get my shaking legs to stand from the crouched position on the ground I fell to when I realized what was happening, I couldn't get to him fast enough. My legs felt like lead weights. Every step felt like an eternity. I didn't notice the wrecked car he had slammed into in his confusion, I didn't even see the first person before they hit me, I had tunnel vision, nothing else mattered. They wrapped their arms around me and thats when I noticed I hadn't taken a breath since I started running from the arena. As I filled my lungs with air, my face buried in their shoulder a squeak slipped out and I remembered why I hadn't done that before as the tears over flowed. After a moment I moved away from them and started off in his direction again when the next one grabbed me. This carried on for another few people before I had it, I didn't even know who was trying to confort me anymore, it didn't matter. It wasn't working. I finally shoved through two who were on their way to latch on to me, they said something but I couldn't hear them. I could see him now, a swarm of people hovering around him, with their cell phones to their ears calling vets, halters hanging on their shoulders, some thrown to the ground, others with wraps and dressings trying to attend to his cuts, another carrying away what was left of his bridal and saddle, some simply covering their mouths with their hands.
I got to him and he was shaking, I tried not to look at his legs, or the blood. I just rubbed his head beneath his braided forelock, the repetitive motion probably more for me then for him. I felt a nudge and my dad warned me to watch my coat and breeches. I didn't understand before I looked down at my other hand that was rubbing the side of him mouth and lips and saw the blood coating it. I was fixating on it, like it was something so foreign, so alien that I couldn't comprehend it. I didn't snap back to reality until my name was yelled. The person holding his front right leg to try to stop some of the bleeding was motioning towards his mouth telling me to check his gums. I just stared blankly at her not understanding, then the person to my right lifted his lips and relayed to her that the color was fading. Then I understood, shock, they were checking for signs of him going into shock. I gripped the side of his halter and went back to rubbing his head, I didn't care that he was resting his blood coated muzzle on my show clothes, or that the mascara running down my face was dripping onto my white equitation shirt, or that half the show was out there watching me completely break down. I just wanted him to be okay.
Now its June 4th and my world still seems frozen. In some sort of limbo. I don't know whats next, I can't plan ahead and I don't like that. Patriot is still recovering, we still don't know his final outcome from all of this. It's scary and stressing. Every time I think about it for more then a few minutes my heart starts pounding and my breathing gets shaky. Its not just Patriot and I hanging in this seemingly unreal reality, it's my entire world. He is my everything.
When I snapped to my senses and could get my shaking legs to stand from the crouched position on the ground I fell to when I realized what was happening, I couldn't get to him fast enough. My legs felt like lead weights. Every step felt like an eternity. I didn't notice the wrecked car he had slammed into in his confusion, I didn't even see the first person before they hit me, I had tunnel vision, nothing else mattered. They wrapped their arms around me and thats when I noticed I hadn't taken a breath since I started running from the arena. As I filled my lungs with air, my face buried in their shoulder a squeak slipped out and I remembered why I hadn't done that before as the tears over flowed. After a moment I moved away from them and started off in his direction again when the next one grabbed me. This carried on for another few people before I had it, I didn't even know who was trying to confort me anymore, it didn't matter. It wasn't working. I finally shoved through two who were on their way to latch on to me, they said something but I couldn't hear them. I could see him now, a swarm of people hovering around him, with their cell phones to their ears calling vets, halters hanging on their shoulders, some thrown to the ground, others with wraps and dressings trying to attend to his cuts, another carrying away what was left of his bridal and saddle, some simply covering their mouths with their hands.
I got to him and he was shaking, I tried not to look at his legs, or the blood. I just rubbed his head beneath his braided forelock, the repetitive motion probably more for me then for him. I felt a nudge and my dad warned me to watch my coat and breeches. I didn't understand before I looked down at my other hand that was rubbing the side of him mouth and lips and saw the blood coating it. I was fixating on it, like it was something so foreign, so alien that I couldn't comprehend it. I didn't snap back to reality until my name was yelled. The person holding his front right leg to try to stop some of the bleeding was motioning towards his mouth telling me to check his gums. I just stared blankly at her not understanding, then the person to my right lifted his lips and relayed to her that the color was fading. Then I understood, shock, they were checking for signs of him going into shock. I gripped the side of his halter and went back to rubbing his head, I didn't care that he was resting his blood coated muzzle on my show clothes, or that the mascara running down my face was dripping onto my white equitation shirt, or that half the show was out there watching me completely break down. I just wanted him to be okay.
Now its June 4th and my world still seems frozen. In some sort of limbo. I don't know whats next, I can't plan ahead and I don't like that. Patriot is still recovering, we still don't know his final outcome from all of this. It's scary and stressing. Every time I think about it for more then a few minutes my heart starts pounding and my breathing gets shaky. Its not just Patriot and I hanging in this seemingly unreal reality, it's my entire world. He is my everything.
