Nights like Tonight

It's always nights like tonight where I can't reach out to anyone. Nights where I should be sleeping but it evades me. Nights like tonight usually finish off days like today. Days where I feel like I am pretending to be someone else. Someone who doesn't think like I do, who isn't always frustrating the efforts of my brain. I'm so sick and tired of not having any one to talk to, anyone who understands, anyone who can give me feed back, what I'm really looking for. Bruce, I need you to come home so I can call you on the phone and we can bicker and debate and you can talk some sense into me. So you can push back when I push. So I don't have to hold up both ends of the conversation, so someone else can be the agressor. Thats what I need. Sloppy words scrawled out on crinkled paper just isn't cutting it right now, I need one of those rapid fire conversations where neither of us can hardly get a breath in between words. There just aren't enough people like you in the world for me to be able to make it two years without you. You're it, and you're thousands of miles away.

Unfixably wrong

Anxiety has completely taken over my life. I can't even get myself through a conversation with a friend without it seeping in. It makes me want to be done. Done with everything. I want to throw in the towel, I quit, I'm no good at this. I've apparently done something so unfixably wrong. The guilt lets me know that, every second of every day it seems like lately I feel guilty, for something I've done, for something I haven't done. Pushing those thoughts out of my head is a full time job. There are only short periods of time am I left alone, most of them are while I'm sleeping. When I don't have to feel it for a while. When I don't have to feel anything except what I create for a while. 

I know it's not right, not right to do that, to look at things that way, but all of this has my thoughts so jumbled up, racing around like box cars on a train that all decided to jump track. I can't get myself to think clearly, to see the way out of this, or at least through it. So I am doing what I do best, blurring everything. Just blurring it all because thats become my best coping mechanism. My fall back when I get tired of fighting. Unfortunately it clouds my vision, my thought process, my decision making everything. It's like my mind turns to hibernation, still conscious but only enough to keep my body going. Only enough to get me from point A to point B. Like I'm not really living, I'm just here. I feel like a robot. 

I expressed these feelings months ago to Bruce, who I miss horribly... I told him I feel like a fish in the desert. I can't remember if I've posted about this before, but a fish in the desert, a fish exceptionally well equipped for an aquatic life but without a doubt, hopeless and entirely useless in the desert. Frustrated in the fact that everything I am will undoubtably go to waste in this desert. I feel like Tantalus, always thirsty but never able to take a drink, always hungry but the branches of fruit extend past my reach. I can't understand this state I am in, these thoughts and the process of them. Nothing makes sense to me. It's uncomfortable and stressing. I don't know what I want, I want someone to figure it out for me because I am tired of pushing back against this seemingly unmovable wall. I can't define it, I can't analyse it, I can't control it, I can't change it. So frustrated, but accepting because the guilt reminds me of the some unfixable wrong.

Preston, Idaho

I hope I dream about you again tonight. 

This whole thing is so weird. I can't even express it. My fingers completely useless, my lips entirely mute.
So weird, but I hope I dream about you again tonight.